Here's Where I Start Going Crazy Again

Yesterday, it started again. I've been so happy for so long, and it came out of nowhere. I reread the Little Prince again, as usually that helps me readjust my perception of the world, but it somehow just made me more sad this time. I am so depressed for humanity! I wish I could tell people that they are only victims if they allow themselves to be. I wish I could tell people that they aren't helpless and not everyone is out to get them and that there are just some things in the world that are unpleasant but that that those aren't the only things in the world and to find things to enjoy. I know, how hypocritical as here I am preaching that people need to stop being sad and I'm being melodramatically depressed for all of humanity, but what I'm saying is there are some people who are just inherently miserable to their core. And it's like they choose to be miserable. They undermine anything and everything and almost want to be victimized so that they can pity themselves. And they never appreciate anything in the world. They never see beauty in things. And that makes me think that humans are ugly creatures.

It All Started with Cats or How I fell in love with Edward Gorey.

When I was about 8 years old, Renee gave us a huge bags of her daughter's old books. In it was Rumpelstiltskin and TS Eliots Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats, both illustrated by Edward Gorey. That same year in school, Mrs. Ensor taught us all about cats, and we studied everything from why cats have whiskers to the Broadway musical. So finding that book in the bag was so exciting to me. This was the beginning of my infatuation with Edward Gorey. PBS had a series called Mystery! and the opening credits were an animation of Gorey characters. I never watched the show, but had the intro memorized. I thought his illustrations were so beautiful. As I got older, I began collecting all of his books- I now have one anthology (because the Glorious Nosebleed is impossible to find and if you ever do find it, impossible to afford) and about 20 individual books. I have postcard books, bookmarkers, calendars, notebooks- it's become one of those things that people like to collect for me as well. Since Mikey found me The Hapless Child- a book I had wanted for years- I've sort of slowed down. Moving to NY also made it much easier for me to stalk his works- one of the first places I visited upon my arrival was Gotham Bookmart, which is where I found my copy of The Shrinking of Treehorn.

I've always loved his cyclists the most. There are a few that I am considering permanently embellishing my body with.

There's Innocence:


There's the brother and sister on the Epileptic Bicycle:



There's also Nellie from The Willowdale Handcar, riding away on her bicycle.



And I think I should also like a Little Prince, but somewhere more hidden. I've read that book a thousand times- it's the only book I've read more times than all of the JD Salinger's combined. I own it in 3 languages. The themes and ideas in it inadvertently get revisited in my life all the time, usually inspiring me to reread it yet again.

But it's not a character that I'd like to have highly visible because he's a little too popular and cliche. The book means so much to me, I don't want it to be bastardized because he's cute and common. If that makes any sense. He's more important to me than just a cute cartoon. Which is why I will probably never get Kitarou. He was a favorite of mine as a kid, but I'm not much for covering myself in cartoons.

It just occured to me

Edward Gorey.
I'm going to pour over my books.
That's where my next tattoo will come from.

Duh.

When You Cannot Love With Both Your Hands

So many things going on in my head right now... Ge was talking about taking classes at FIT when she moves back to NYC. This is something Dr. G. has been telling me to do for a while now. I think it's a sign- they're both G's. So I went to the FIT site and poked around- there's not much info on class schedules/prices online so I requested a catalog, but I did find out that they do have an accessories design program. Shoes, bags and jewelry. That's my jam. And being a NYC resident, I'd get a whopping discount. So we'll see. Plus, being an FIT student, I'd get discounts at many of the fabric stores (MOOD!!!) and other textile stores in this area. I love that I work in the Garment District but don't work in the Garment District. Until I start, though, I have some bags and jewelry ideas floating around in my head that I've sketched and need to sit down and create. Finding the time is the hard part- sacrificing going out to sit around at home and frustrate the crap out of myself trying to make things I'm not exactly trained to do depresses me. Also, I need a web design program (my Dreamweaver registration expired!) and a new camera. I want to revamp the site so that it looks like 4th grade internet class project and more actual design site. I'm getting there.

One of my life dreams was realized last night- singing 99 Luftballons in German at karaoke. In the book, it says, "German Version". It was a lie. I tried to do it in German anyway. This new regular Martika helped me out, but the English has an extra verse so I kinda jumbled everything up. It was still super fun and 2 Austrians came up to me after to say how much they loved it and they were surprised I don't speak German. I fooled the German speaking Austrians! hee hee. We celebrated Melissa's birthday and it was a total blast. BFF busted his pants open dancing and it was the most hilarious shit I've ever seen in my life. He just emailed me to browse through the new Crains and there's a giant picture of him and matt in an article about Mondays being the new Saturdays. It's amazing. They're getting so much press and things are really taking off- funny that they really are going to be a professional karaoke show- touring. Like a band, but not. I love it. I'm so proud, I get all choked up thinking about it.

Erika Ferguson gets in on Thursday. I have to call her. I have to see her! I miss her so much.

I like it

I realized something yesterday- I have been geniunely very happy lately. As in, I can't remember feeling sad and upset much at all (without reason, anyway). I haven't had that anxiety that brings black tar depression in a while. I like when life is like this.

The Flynn sisters got tattooed yesterday. Gorgeous celtic knots. They match but are varied just a little in color and shading- enough to have the personality of each sister, but still the same enough to have unity. Joe and Ronn from Andromeda did AMAZING jobs. I love that place. I'm jealous- I want to get a next one... just haven't decided what yet. I'm still thinking Kitarou, but we'll see...

Yesterday was Sarah's birthday and it was such a great day- we went for brunch at Yuca (delicious!!!) and then went to the flea market to wander around and did some shopping. I was so excited that Sarah hung out all day and she took tons of photos. Next weekend, she has off so I'm hoping we can get tattoos and play photo shoot. I like when she's happy.

Beth was here for the weekend- I love that girl so much. She's so much fun. She really just wanted to jump in and live my life with me for a few days- she did the NYC tourist thing with her other friends the first half of the week. We had a blast- she's moving to Oakland soon, so I'll get to see her more often.

And lastly- he called last night. Just to say hi and ask what was going on. He told me to eat his oranges that he forgot. He was in Colorado- the drive was kicking his ass. I miss him. But it's this weird happy missing.

You Got Me Off the Sofa- Just Sprang Out of The Air

I got home last night and found a little note on my computer saying goodbye and thanks. And that I have no idea how much he enjoyed his time in NYC. I hope it's not as concluded as it feels. I'd like it if he came back for another week and a half sometime in the future.

I like spending quiet nights in with friends. Sitting around, watching movies, talking. It's funny because this is the stuff that Sarah so desperately misses from our lives back in Santa Cruz, but she's really not making an effort to make it happen out here. I invite her to come out with me to friends for TV, to brunch, to everything. I invite friends over for TV nights and she gets grumpy that there are people in her home. So it's not really that she misses that kind of lifestyle- I feel like she's sabotaging her life in NY on purpose, and I don't know why.

"your lips taste good like care bears"

At least it went like this....

cupcakes, hot dogs, dumplings. beautiful guillemots music to match the beautiful views. walking across the brooklyn bridge. singing and dancing our hearts out to exhaustion. making music on a beloved B3 in harlem.

It was fun and beautiful and I'll remember it fondly always.

The Best Things Come From Nowhere

My daily text message horoscope: "Capricorn: You might find something of a dilemma on your own doorstep today and this throws other plans in disarray." Great. Thanks a lot. I LOVE disarray.

When I got home from work yesterday, I walked in the door and he looks at me and says, "So I think I'm going to drive back to CA. Tomorrow". It kind of knocked the wind out of me. I mean, I didn't expect him to move to NY and we'd fall in love and get married and live happily ever after or anything. But I was having fun and I wasn't done yet. I guess it's not up to me. So naturally, being that I am a girl and all girls are insane, I started to feel the "Well good, I'm over it anyway, go away, would you". I think that was more me being defensive to his leaving so suddenly. He hasn't felt very well for the last 2 days- lots of emotions boxed up in his jumbled up head and heart. And it's been taking a hard toll on him physically. He's been bummed out for the last few days and has barely left the apt. So after this long 3 month road trip, it is probably best for him to head back home and rest for a while- see his friends and family. It was just so abrupt and jarring for me to hear on Monday, "NY IS GREAT! I'll look for a job!" and then by Wednesday, he's announcing his departure. Of course, I feel like I somehow failed if I couldn't convince him that NYC is the only place to live.
I took him to jerk chicken and cupcakes and dancing at kthnxbye. I told him if it was his last night in New York, we'd stop the moping and go out and have some fun. So then OF COURSE when we get home he says, "I had a lot of fun. Maybe I could stay a few more days. What am I hurrying back for?"
I told him (as much as I- but I didn't say this part- really don't want him to leave) that he should stick with his decision and stop making himself crazy. He's always ALWAYS welcome in NYC and he knows he can come back any time. But he finally decided on something to do and it started to make him feel a little better, so he should just do that. I told him to go home and take his grandpa out to lunch like he hasn't been able to do in so long and he used to love to do.
Have a safe trip home, Dan. Thanks for stopping by. I had a lot of fun. And I'm glad you liked the pistachio cupcakes and my new favorite band.

Edited to add: I just remembered something. That tarot reading I had a few months back- she said that in March, either I'd meet someone new or some relationship with a friend I already have would change. She was convinced I'd be in a real relationship, but I told her that wasn't likely. So she settled on, "Well, you'll have something in March." She also said, "But be careful in April." She went on and on about how fertile I'll be in April. So no sex next month for this girl. Haha.

It's Hard To Think About Anything But To Breathe

So after a rough day at work, I got home and he had dinner made. It was perfect. I guess he had been freaking out all day, mulling and tearing his hair out about whether or not he actually wanted to try to make a life in New York. I didn't know how to comfort or calm him down. I'm totally useless when it comes to that. You'd think that a lifetime sufferer of chronic panic disorder would be an expert on dealing with anxiety.
And then I got really sad. I didn't realize how excited I was at the idea of him staying until it wasn't an idea anymore. I got so disappointed that he'll be leaving at the end of the week, my throat clenched up. I realized I don't want him to leave, but I don't exactly know what I would want to happen if he did stay. I think I just don't want him to leave yet. But I couldn't say that to him- I didn't want to add to his anxiety about not knowing what he wants to do next. I don't know if the idea of a non-relationship girl suddenly finding herself attached would stress him out more and make him flighty-er, or if he would be into it and then feel like it was something holding him to NY and not letting him continue on his adventure all over the world? So I kept my mouth shut.
In the car on the way home from the movies, Fruit Bats When You Love Somebody came on. He had this playlist of really great songs and that one- one of my favorite songs ever- came on and we both sang along and I almost cried.
I don't want him to go. Or if he does go, I hope he comes back.

I just bit my lip real hard and now it's bleeding.

So what happens when your perfect non boyfriend decides he might want to move to your city?

Here's the thing- we started out friends. It was great and it was no committment and no obligation, with an expiration date in sight. It was fun and fast and perfect. And he now thinks he might want to move to New York City and last night I thought that was a fantastic idea. But this morning I woke up with my concerns. Would that mean that we would start actually dating? Could we maintain this perfect non relationship without that expiration date? Probably. Knowing both of us, I think it can work out alright without becoming anything too real. Right? I guess the only thing I can do right now is wait to see what happens (and don't forget that I have to just let things happen...)

Don't Be Afraid to Sing

I do realize that I'm taking the safe way out by avoiding relationships. I realize that I don't want to get involved with anyone in any kind of deep relationship because you make yourself vulnerable to hurt too much. But if that's my choice, is that really such a bad thing? I've done the love thing, I've had my heart broken, I know what that's all about. I've experienced it- do I really need to do it again? What I've really always wanted is just a friend. Someone to make out with sometimes when we're both hungering it, someone to be a good supportive friend when I need it, someone to have fun with when it happens. But someone I know would never do anything to hurt me and someone I won't mind letting go should I need to. Don't ask any questions because you don't need to know the answers. It feels absolutely perfect right now. The way things are working out is great. Why can't this kind of thing exist all the time- not necessarily with this same person. But why can't I find this kind of arrangement ever?

Uh Oh

So this whole Do What You Want thing has some boundaries, I'm learning. I mean, it's a very empowering thing, but I feel like I have been abusing it lately. Do What You Want as long as it doesn't destroy someone else. But how much can you be responsible for someone else? Mostly, this Do What You Want thing is only getting me in trouble with boys. And maybe I'm not really even getting myself in that much trouble, but things aren't exactly working out as I'd like them to. So far, there are no broken hearts, which is ideal. I can't guarantee that a third party heart won't get injured if word spreads, and that makes me feel like a dirtbag. I've managed to do pretty well with making decisions so that I have very few regrets in my life. Let's not start now.
But who am I kidding?! We all knew this was coming.

I don't want to work, I just want to bang on the drums all day

So Dan is in NYC. He arrived just as I was getting out of work on Monday. We went down to LES, I introduced him to Shandi and Jasper. We grabbed Rice with Sarah and Seth. He went and met a friend for coffee. I went and saw Guillemots- who were everything and more than I was anticipating! They are seriously amazing and I'm so excited to know about their music. I haven't been this excited for a band since....
Then we all reconvened at Pianos for karaoke. Took yesterday off of work and took Sarah, Dan and Seth across the Triboro into Harlem. Brunch at Kitchenette. Then the boys went their seperate ways and Sarah and I touristed around. Harlem is so neat. Wandered through Columbia and then came downtown. Grocery shopped after shop shopping. Made a delicious dinner of poached Hake and artichokes. Crocheted a flower and watched Miami Ink.
One thing I re-realized about Californian boys- they're so mild tempered and easy going. And easy to please. Always up for any kind of adventure- big or small. I miss that. Hanging out with Seth and Dan has been fun.
I hate having a job. I hate working for other people.

I'm an ADDICT!

I'm an addict. Clothes and shoes and make up. And junk that I just don't need. I'm addicted to shopping. It's really bad. I know that everyone jokes about how girls are shop-a-holics and have tons of shoes and retail therapy and blah blah blah. But this is a serious condition. I have no self control. I bought practically the entire Luella for Target line yesterday. Do I NEED all these new clothes? No. But I wanted them. I can rationalize it because everything I got (with the exception of the $27 party dress that I'm wearing for Prom), I can wear to work. But I want more. I already know I'm going to stalk her line and get it all. I love it more than anything I've ever gotten from H&M or any of those cheaper trendy shops. And then I bought some stuff at Marc Jacobs. Nothing major, but do I really need another pair of fingerless gloves?
Living in New York is dangerous for my wallet. And my closet. I have no room for any more clothes!

Dan is coming into New York tonight. He's been on the road for about 3 months now. He must have some amazing stories and photos! I'm going to Guillemots with Jasp and then karaoke, so Dan is just going to come find me and hang out and karaoke. I think he'll love it. Then tomorrow, I'm taking the day off to hang out with him and show him around a little so that he can get by on his own for the rest of his stay. Which, by the way, I'm not sure how long will be. If he's here through St. Patrick's Day, maybe he'll want to go to Woodside (i.e. Little Ireland) and drink beers? I wonder what the Woodside boys are up to on Friday? (This is also an excuse to try to hang out with P.R.).

Caught Eagle Seagull again last night. They are so good! And cute. Seriously, those kids are adorable. I hope they do really well. They rock my face off. I've already started telling everyone I know to listen to them.

lalala

Celebrated Jim's birthday tonight. Flynn disappeared in a hurry and it scared the shit out of me because she was decently drunk. She asked me for a glass of water which I got for her, but then I tried to leave her alone because she had that "the room is spinning and I need to close my eyes and just sit here" look. Then I go to sing my song (we were at karaoke duh) and when I was done, she was just gone. Drew and Rondeau put her in a cab, so that was good. I just wish she would have said she was leaving- I had about 16 little heart attacks before I was told what happened to her.
Rumor has it Rondeau has had a little crush on me pretty much since the first time we met. I like hanging out with him. I want to make out with him. I had fun tonight. We were playing around walking up to catch a cab and he picked me up and carried me for like 3 blocks. Sounds retarded but it was funny. He kept swinging me around. He missed Erik mooning everyone else. If he really does have a crush on me, he should call me.

My dog duties are OVER

So Chris gets back today. I'm stopping by Pianos to drop off his keys with Jasper before going to dinner with Brette in her new hood. I really do love Stella, but it's a pain in my ass to go up to the Bronx. It's really cut into my life a lot more than it should have.

In other news, I'm totally obsessed with tattoos now. I've been researching tattoo artists and styles and trying to find good pictures of people's tattoos. I want another one, just not sure where yet. I'm thinking the top of my foot or the name of my neck. I was considering yesterday getting one on the bottom pad of my left palm (like, above the wrist in line with my pinky finger). I've never seen any on anyone's palm before. I wonder if that's just not a good place? You think if people can get them on the inside of the mouths, you can get them anywhere. My new favorite blog is Inked. I was thinking about taking my brother out to Don Ed Hardy's place in SF next time I'm home. Getting one in Sailor Jerry style. A very Classic American tattoo. We'll see.

I have to learn to say no.

So I've been dogsitting for BFF in the Bronx since last Thursday. Now, it wouldn't be so bad if I could just stay at his place while he was gone, but his apartment is rather gross. Bugs and mice gross. So I just can't stay there. I did for the first few days, but I was just so uncomfortable, it was making me anxious and irritable. So I moved out. Now I'm commuting to the Bronx in the morning before work, and then stopping by before going home at night. It's an extra 2.5 hours per trip. I feel badly because she is such a sweet and wonderful, funny little dog. But this is torture on my body and even more so on my already unstable mood. Dr. G made me feel a lot better about how irrationally angry I was feeling. Which helped me feel less angry in the end, ironically enough. So now I'm just dealing with it until Thursday, when BFF gets back from Iceland. This is the last time I'm watching Stella for him, as much as I love the shit out of her.

In other news, Debbie Stoller made a book about crocheting, and I picked that up last night. We'll see. I've been sewing a lot lately, too, and I have a lot of handbag and jewelry ideas floating around in my head. I want a Print Gocco so I can start stenciling/screening clothes/bags whatever. I think I'm going to really start to beef up the site and maybe move it to a server that will let me sell. And then I can partner with cutxpaste. We'll see. Dr. G says I should probably start thinking about a Career as opposed to just staying comfortable in my Job.

Nothing much is going on in my life- especially nothing with the boys. Hoops beamed me this awesome program called Palmasutra last night. It's hilarious. We were all sitting in the bar whining about how there's no boys for us to make out with when Derek starts saying there's plenty and starts naming those Danger Boys. You know the ones. The ones you don't DARE touch because you can tell they like you more than you'll ever like them and if you even look at them too long they think you're in a relationship and start calling and Cling-on-ing and it just becomes this big heartwrenching mess and you come out the medusa-esque whore. Plus, I'm not attracted at all to any of those guys.

A friend posted a new comment about you at March 1, 2006 8:24AM PST

Email #1:
Me to Flynn Mar 1.
Am I just a bitch? because this kind of annoyed me real bad.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: New MySpace Comment
Date: Mar 1, 2006 11:24 AM
Subject: A friend posted a new comment about you at March 1, 2006 8:24AM PST

Mikey has posted a new comment about you on MySpace!
Click the link below to read your comment: (I removed the link, but here's what he said)
Hello from Japan. I hope all is well in New York. I'll be back in California tomorrow night and I'd love to tell you all about the ways Japan rocked my world. lovepeacelove, Mikey


Email #2:
Flynn's response to me Mar 1.
Ex boyfriend trying to connect with you by learning the ways of your people? yeah, file that under "irritating."

You're so weird omg I just want to get married and make babies that's my only goal in life blah blah

I realized today that the way people were when I was in high school is the way all people will always be.
Here's a story. So the jock/sporty/conservative/will-grow-up-to-be-frat-kids-then-hedgefunders-etc-and-their-wives (I know you know the type. They hang out in those bars on like 2nd and 3rd Ave around 53rd st etc.) kids in high school were always like, "you rock kids are so weird" blah blah but once they would take the time to get to know one of us, they'd realize we were cool. I remember Vicky don'tremeberherlastname and her friend Patty used to say, "we thought you were so weird because you had green nail polish and purple hair but then we realized you were just unique and didn't care what people think and we think it's so cool that you do your own thing and you're like the nicest person ever" blah blah. I'm sure you've heard that story before.
So anyway, Dave Cheeto Teeth comes to me today after X left and was like, "Your friend is so weird". I don't think he's that weird. Well, I mean, I know he's weird but what I think is weird about him Dave didn't get an opportunity to see in the 5 minutes he was here. So why does Dave say he's weird? Because he has a gruffy beard and giant boots and gold fronts and loves karaoke? Or is Dave just doing the "you rock kids are so weird" thing because X isn't conservative boring waspy dude? Makes me crazy.
The average person is so boring. OMG I just realized- the most judgemental people I know are also the most boring. They stay at home every night watching TV and the one night a week they do go out, they go to a popped collar waspy frat bar and get waaaaay too drunk to actually be able to enjoy what their doing. Life must suck when you're a tool like those dudes. And the only goal the girls have is to meet the "hottest" one to marry so he'll cheat on her while she's bloated and pregnant with his third kid but at least he'll be paying for her Frequent Tanner membership and sporty mini van. I'm so glad I'm not into that scene.

Guilty Feet Have Got No Rhythm

It's Ash Wednesday today. I'm not Catholic. But I still feel compelled to get ashed. And to abstain from eating meat on Fridays. And to sacrifice something for Lent. Is it ridiculous that going to Catholic School all my life has sort of left this embedded in my brain? I know all of the prayers said during mass better than most "practicing Catholics". I know the stages of the cross. I know the Book of Revelation better than most people I know. I had a pretty decent and thorough Catholic training. So I feel guilty if I don't participate, but I've never even received any of the sacraments other than baptism. And I was baptized Lutheran- not Catholic. So for some strange reason, I feel I need to get ashed and not eat beef on my Mexican Pizza today. But this is the year of Do What You Want! so if I want beef on my pizza, I should eat beef on my pizza, right??

In other news, they karaokes are all going to Iceland tomorrow and I'm so jealous. I wish I was going with them. They're going to have such an amazing time.