What it comes down to, really, is lack of confidence

I'm absolutely insane. That's already known. And the problems don't come from anything anyone else does- they come from me not having enough faith in myself to feel worth anything. He's the most giving, loving, supportive, attentive, generous boyfriend to have ever existed, and for whatever reason I'm still terrified that I'm investing myself into something that is inevitably going to fizzle right in front of me no matter what I do. And no matter how inseparable and close I am with a friend, I feel in the back of my head somewhere that someday, they too, will move on to bigger and better and leave me behind. When I was seeing a therapist, he explained to me that this fear of being left because of being inadequate was most likely the biggest cause of my anxiety problems. And it makes no sense that I feel this way. My parents are still together and in love after how many years (my mom video IM'ed me yesterday to show off the flowers my dad gave her for Valentine's day), so it's not like I have broken family issues looming over my head. He tells me I'm crazy often enough, but that's because I act crazy. I act terrified that out of nowhere he's going to change his mind about me and our life together. I don't try as hard as I should with my friends because I feel like if I put in more than they do, if I open up more than they do, then they're going to realize that we aren't equal and our friendship will fade. For whatever reason, in therapy, we never went over how to stop feeling this way. How to learn to feel better about myself. I've tried googling it. They say to make lists of your 50 strongest traits. I get as far as 10, usually. They say, "Say it til you believe it", but how long does that take? Because it's not working yet.

And the anxiety and depression are directly responsible for my gastro problems, I think. I was feeling good emotionally/mentally for a while, but I've been kind of a wreck lately and the bleeding is at it's worst so far.

Here's to hoping I figure it all out before it literally kills me.