Let Your Imagination Run Away

I have an anxiety disorder, which are commonly linked to depression. My case is not severe- it's actually relatively manageable. I've never been on medication for it, though I had a short stint with counseling, which was all in all pretty ineffective as you have to be willing to open up and talk fluidly with a counselor, which I was not. My disorder comes and goes in waves. When it's high tide, I'm completely out of control of myself. Insecurity hits and completely takes over and I feel lost and unsafe. I feel completely insignificant and worthless. I become irrational, paranoid, and unreasonable. I get easily angered (enraged, really) and demanding of those closest to me. The worst is that I feel completely swallowed by it- broken, irreparable, and discard-able.

When it wanes, I realize how insane I've been and usually come out embarrassed and facing much damage control in my relationships. I've said things I don't actually mean but that were prompted from me feeling things that were founded in nothing. I'm lucky that most of the people closest to me have outstanding volumes of patience and understanding for me, and that they are willing to wait for me while I try to overcome this glitch in my brain.

I had dinner tonight with Flynn. While I've felt for a long time that we've become estranged, the moment I told her I wasn't right and needed her, she was right at my side. I hope she knows that it's reciprocal and if she needs me, I'll drop everything for her. I feel ashamed to think she didn't value our friendship, attribute it mostly to the insecurities that swell up, and mark it on my list of things to work on about myself.