It Feels Like the End is Inevitable

It's happening again and this time it only took 6 months. Chris looks at me and talks to me with what seems like the same exact feeling of distance and near disdain that Mikey did just before he gave up on me completely. His complaints and comments about my behavior are exactly the same, and his desperation to get away from me parallel as well. The stiffness and rigidity of his body language speaks volumes, so even though he says he's still trying and still loves me and still likes me, I'm hearing otherwise. I've suffocated him and wilted away any joy he might have viewed me with just simply by being me. I've managed to drive another one away. And this was probably the best one I could have ever found.

I know I need to start going to counseling again, but I don't have mental health coverage and can't afford it otherwise. The anxiety and depression is getting to be too much to deal with not just for myself, but for the person closest to me. I'm once again finding myself fantasizing about either falling in front of trains or packing a bag and not telling anyone where I've disappeared to. I know running away from things won't fix them, but it's easier than dealing with the disappointment I've caused myself. I miss his exuberance for me. I miss his warmth and tenderness. I miss his urgency about spending time with me- making me feel important and desirable. And I know that I extinguished that spark with my unreasonable demands and expectations. I know that my inability to just simply be in a good mood has drained everything out of him so that he can't even sleep next to me comfortably. I know it's completely my fault and I know I need to stop making it worse, but I don't know how. And his reactions to me- which are completely sound and understandable- only make me feel worse and more desperate, which compounds the situation.

I feel like I'm just waiting for him to give up and leave me. From the first day I warned him that I was crazy and that he would change his mind about me and here I've gone and forced it to happen. And I'm completely devastated and heartbroken and it's my own fault.