The Hardest Part
The biggest Catch 22 with the depression and anxiety is the feeling of complete worthlessness. I feel so unimportant, undesirable, and completely lacking in any value to anyone. And now I've become so dependent on Chris for feeling valuable, but he gets so drained by all of my moping and negativity that he doesn't want to be around me or touch me, and I don't blame him. I would react the same way. This morning I went into the bathroom just to give him a little kiss on the cheek and he said, "Oh here she is, begging for affection time". I feel like a huge burden on him. The one thing that could make me feel better is for him to want to spend time with me and want to be affectionate with me, but my needing and depending on it so much is pushing him away. I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it. I know the only solution is for me to learn to feel ok on my own, like I was before him. And I know I can get there again, I just hope he has the patience to wait for me.
I think the thing that's making me stuck this time around is the conflicted feeling I'm having about each of us choosing to be together. I feel like everything you do in life is a choice, and to be happy, you have to be comfortable and sure of your choices. I've chosen a life with Chris and am completely happy and confident about him. I know he's here and he's in this life together too, I think the discrepancy is that I don't think he knew what he was really in for and now he might be regretting his choice or feeling disappointed that he got short changed or cheated in some way. I want more than anything for me to get better so that we can work out, I just hope that he's ready and willing to be supportive while I work on it and to be strong and patient. It's a lot to ask for and he has no obligation to do this for me, but in my choosing him, I guess I'd assumed he chose me as well, which means choosing to be all of those things.
Really, I just don't know what I'm doing. I've always chosen to be alone rather than deal with being in a relationship as it is so complicated and hard, and now I don't know how to be in a relationship and be fair to the other person.
Anyway, this is rambling. There's so much muck in my head and I can't get it clear and I don't know what to do...
I think the thing that's making me stuck this time around is the conflicted feeling I'm having about each of us choosing to be together. I feel like everything you do in life is a choice, and to be happy, you have to be comfortable and sure of your choices. I've chosen a life with Chris and am completely happy and confident about him. I know he's here and he's in this life together too, I think the discrepancy is that I don't think he knew what he was really in for and now he might be regretting his choice or feeling disappointed that he got short changed or cheated in some way. I want more than anything for me to get better so that we can work out, I just hope that he's ready and willing to be supportive while I work on it and to be strong and patient. It's a lot to ask for and he has no obligation to do this for me, but in my choosing him, I guess I'd assumed he chose me as well, which means choosing to be all of those things.
Really, I just don't know what I'm doing. I've always chosen to be alone rather than deal with being in a relationship as it is so complicated and hard, and now I don't know how to be in a relationship and be fair to the other person.
Anyway, this is rambling. There's so much muck in my head and I can't get it clear and I don't know what to do...
posted by tiny hearted girl at 9:41 AM
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