It's Hard To Think About Anything But To Breathe

So after a rough day at work, I got home and he had dinner made. It was perfect. I guess he had been freaking out all day, mulling and tearing his hair out about whether or not he actually wanted to try to make a life in New York. I didn't know how to comfort or calm him down. I'm totally useless when it comes to that. You'd think that a lifetime sufferer of chronic panic disorder would be an expert on dealing with anxiety.
And then I got really sad. I didn't realize how excited I was at the idea of him staying until it wasn't an idea anymore. I got so disappointed that he'll be leaving at the end of the week, my throat clenched up. I realized I don't want him to leave, but I don't exactly know what I would want to happen if he did stay. I think I just don't want him to leave yet. But I couldn't say that to him- I didn't want to add to his anxiety about not knowing what he wants to do next. I don't know if the idea of a non-relationship girl suddenly finding herself attached would stress him out more and make him flighty-er, or if he would be into it and then feel like it was something holding him to NY and not letting him continue on his adventure all over the world? So I kept my mouth shut.
In the car on the way home from the movies, Fruit Bats When You Love Somebody came on. He had this playlist of really great songs and that one- one of my favorite songs ever- came on and we both sang along and I almost cried.
I don't want him to go. Or if he does go, I hope he comes back.