How do I manage to constantly make an ass of myself?!

So I'm trying to do a good thing tonight by deleting EtCMOB's email from my contact list. I am seriously prone to accidentally emailing the wrong people and various other retarded stuff like that, so I thought in an attempt to never accidentally bug him, I'd take him out of my list. I mean, I wouldn't put it past me to try to send Courson an email and accidentally sent it to EtCMOB instead. So I'm playing with the quick contacts list on gmail and somehow managed to accidentally send him a chat invite. I'm so embarrassed. Why does this shit happen to me all the time?!
I really suck at living sometimes!

O Sailor, Why'd You Do It?

So why is it it's been like a month and now I'm getting sad about EtCMOB again? I'm making myself crazy trying to figure out where it went wrong (other than the crazy message). I mean, I thought things were going well. He left me MySpace comments and showed up for karaoke after we slept together. So I didn't anticipate him bailing. I didn't think I'd never hear from him again. The whole thing is lame. He seems like a cool and reasonable guy. So why did he never respond to anything? Why did he not say, "Hey asshole. Quit being crazy. I told you I didn't call because I was busy, not because I'm not interested"? Probably because he actually wasn't interested.
And why is no one interested? I mean, there's a few, sure. But they're not exactly my type. Maybe I have to take myself off some pedestal thinking that I deserve better. I'm not asking for much- I just want to hold out for someone who gives me butterflies. None of the boys paying attention to me flutter my nerves.
I still stand by my not wanting a boyfriend. But I do want to have a crush on someone and have it not go bad in just one month.

And You Can Use My Skin To Bury Secrets In

Last night was amazing. Started with Kim, Flynn, Erik and I having a get ready pre party in my bedroom. We did the most fabulous make up and all looked amazing. We left here and got to Pianos pretty early. About 11:30. Everybody was piled in the exit hallway with all of the equipment, excited and energetic and happy. Kate and Matt looked amazing. While waiting, I looked down the hall and Damon walked in! I screamed and ran and gave him the biggest hug. I was so excited to see him, I almost cried! We all finally got in the live room and found everyone else. Hugs and kisses and tons of excitement. Everyone looked amazing. Chris started the ceremony and I've never seen him so nervous. He was babbling and having the hardest time getting started. But it was charming and adorable and heartwarming. They had a vow-off. Kate totally kicked Matt's ass. Shandi hit a rough spot for a moment and we stood just arms around each other while she let it all out. Damon got her a whole roll of TP. Then the party started and it was so much fun. The last song was Bohemian Rhapsody and everyone got up on stage. Sara made me go up- I didn't really feel right doing it, but I'm glad I was up there. Erik grabbed the cake and started feeding everyone. Damon took a huge handful and wiped my face with it. It got up my nose. I scraped it off my face and shoved it in his. Then the cake food fight started. By the end, the entire room was covered in chocolate frosting. But the cake was delicious. As the room was cleared out, I found Shandi, Sam and Timmy scarfing down the rest and grabbed a quarter for myself. We all got outside and I was dying for a bacon cheese burger. Kim, Flynn, Damon and I went to Odessa. The perfect end to an amazing night.

I'm so excited for Kate and Matt. And so happy for them. I love all of these friends so much, I think this tiny heart might explode.

I did notice that EtCMOB didn't show up. The concern that I have with this is that he didn't show up because he knew I'd be there. I don't want him to feel like he can't be somewhere because I'll be there. I'm assuming he was just busy, and not that I'm significant enough to be avoided. But it's a small concern in a back corner of my mind.

Be kind to me, or treat me mean.

So last night I watched Sideways with Jasper. I've been not wanting to watch it because I think wine talk is so pretentious most of the time. But it was a good film. Jasper bailed at the last half hour to go play ping pong so I watched the rest by myself. Zach popped in and said to me, "You do realize that these 2 dudes are ALL GUYS. Every guy has both of these two characters in him." It made a lot of sense. It really just reconfirmed my not wanting a relationship ever again. (Note: not wanting a relationship doesn't mean I don't want to make out, but as history shows, boys aren't as good at being just make out pals as they claim to be. I've gotten into a lot of trouble with just making out and not wanting a relationship)

And speaking of Jasper, he's been kind of weird lately. He gets like this though. He urgently wants to hang out when he's trying to get clean. Then he avoids me like the plague when he's back into partying. As if not only am I not cool because I don't put that stuff up my nose, but he think I'm going to judge him. I'm not going to judge him. I know he does it and while I get concerned when he's doing it excessively (just because I want him to be healthy enough to last a long time), I don't think he's a bad person for it. I've seen him in pretty bad places and I still love him to death. I wish he could understand that.

I'm an Extraordinary Machine

"If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine"

I'm finally listening to the new Fiona Apple. It's really good.

So in therapy today, my doctor made a point that I had never thought of before. If I was more openly and blindly supported as a kid- more encouraged rather than just pressured- I may have been more confident about pursuing fashion or some more creative line of work. I dropped my art minor in college because of my lacking self belief. I wouldn't now be so afraid to turn my hobbies that I love into something I would need to depend on for survival. I wouldn't be so worried about metering success in dollar signs.

I love my mom and I hate to have to tell her, "Thanks for suffocating me all my life. It's the reason I'm crazy and drive everyone away from me.". I'm a Kelly Clarkson song, I swear. "Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you I always play on the same side so I don't get hurt...". I don't take risks. I am the most open person I know, but it's all shallow. I never get so close to someone that I will get hurt when they leave. Even Michael- I was heartbroken for like a month. He dumped me in April, by May I had feelings for another guy. And we were supposed to have been so in love, we were going to get married. I have no problem telling anyone anything, but letting myself depend on someone else for anything- doesn't happen. I'm always the one that takes care of everyone else, but I don't let anyone take care of me. I don't get vulnerable to anyone. And I feel like I'm missing out on some real human experiences because of it.

In other news, my tattoo is peeling. This makes me nervous that it is fading already. But it looks beautiful.

And finally, I think I'm going on sabbatical again.

The World is Saved

I've been listening to Stina Nordenstam again. I love her voice so much. And her songs are so enchanting. That's really the only word I can think of to describe them- enchanting.

Anyway, so when I designed this dress in my head, it was actually a two piece thing. And at the rate I'm going with my Motivation Half Life, I'm thinking I'll finish the skirt, but the top is iffy. I may end up wearing a black wife beater with the skirt. So far, the skirt is beautiful. I had this idea to put the tulle layer INSIDE the skirt to make it puff more. I wish I could better describe what I'm envisioning. Maybe after it's done I'll post a picture.

And here's some pictures of the tattoo finally:



And a final note: Art School Confidential opens in April.

just some notes

I'm going to attempt to make my dress for the wedding for Friday.
I have this vision in my head. It's going to be amazing if I can pull it off. I think I can. I have to somehow get to the fabric shops before they close. It's going to be adapted from the Buddhist Monk robes. Matt asked me to be a Buddhist Monk in their ceremony.
I have to fix the bucket this week. That will take me all of 10 minutes.
I love karaoke and I love weddings so this Friday is going to be amazing.

(I wonder if EtCMOB will show up? haha)

You'd be mad, too, if I got you pregnant.

So I finally did it. Got "inked". Haha. I think the fact that my brother got one before me has been making it more of a real desire for me than just something to consider. So when we were looking at Allen's last night and Flynn says, "Let's ditch the show and get tattoos instead", I was super gung ho about it. So I found Chiho Aoshima drawings that had cherry blossoms like I've been envisioning in my head for the last 10 years and took them to the guy and got it done. Finally.

I think my mom has been waiting for me to finally do it for about 10 years now. Everytime I see her, she asks if I have one yet. My brother got his whole arm done with this huge Japanese Yakuza style snake. At least mine is cute. Yes, not exactly hidden, but that's ok. Brette said it looks like a sticker on my wrist. Haha.

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up.

When I was young, I was obsessed with the Silence of the Lambs. I totally wanted to be Clarice Starling. FBI agent- badass, detective, crime fighter. SUPERHERO. Those kinds of shows are still my favorites- 24, Law and Order, Buffy. Sometimes I still want to be a special agent for some subdivision of the FBI. Only, I know it's not nearly as thrilling and way more bureaucratic than it is on TV. I mean, come on. Duh. So really, I'd be filling out reports and paper work and not getting to run around bitch slapping the bad guys with the side of my handgun. And diffusing bombs even though I'm not on the bomb squad.
Kim, Flynn and I went to an art exhibit a few weeks ago that was amazing- it was about vampires and werewolves and other mythical "monsters" forming an army to protect the few remaining humans. There was a contest that went with it and we got to describe what kind of agent/SUPERHEROES we'd be. It was fun. And last night, Flynn and I saw Night Watchers- same kind of idea. "Others" (vampires, witches, etc) sort of policing each other.
Basically, I think I've got some pent up aggression for some reason and am feeling supremely violent these days. Maybe I should take a boxing class.

Secret, secret, I've got a secret!

I'm so bad at keeping secrets! I've already told my 2 closest friends about this thing, which is fine because anything I'd say in here, I'd openly and comfortably talk to them about. But you know me- I can't keep secrets (of my own, anyway) so I'm like DYING on the inside to tell everyone about this thing.
But really, that's the fun of it.

I'll never tell!
(hear that as Brittany Murphey in Mothman Prophecies).

And for some reason, today I'm feeling a little Bay Area homesick.

I guess my work doesn't hate me after all

I had my review today at work. It actually went better than I anticipated. I was expecting to be told I'm a huge slacker and that I totally suck and goof off too much. I was told that, but I was also told that a lot of what I do is fantastic and that I am still an asset to the company. I got a 5% raise (which is way better than Dale ever gave me). So I think I'll start my 401k with the difference. It's miniscule, but I can't really afford much more than that for now. I can always increase it later.
I'm feeling much calmer about everything in general today. I was excited to come home and clean the apartment and work on some jewelry and knitting and sewing. Of course it's almost 11 and I haven't started on anything because I decided to clean up some of the clutter in my room instead and play around on the internet, but I still feel like I accomplished quite a bit tonight. There's still time to make a new pair of earrings. The amazing girl that Erik is dating now is a jewelry designer and some of her stuff really looks like the style of some of what I've made. It's so inspiring to see that she's made a business of it. I finally brought the Dreamweaver disc home from work, so I'm going to install that and start working on my site. I'm finally feeling motivated to do this stuff. I think I'm going to disappear from the city for a while to buckle down and do some work. I'll still be at karaoke every Monday, and dancing on Thursdays and the first Tuesday of every month, but I don't have to be out every night like I have been for the last few months.
Some notes on the topic of Eric the Cute Make Out Boy (my current topic that I seem to be unable to let go of)- I talked to Zach about what I did and he was shocked because it was so out of character. But he made me feel better about it all. I mean, everyone has been saying the same things that Zach said, pretty much, but just the way he phrased it helped it to sink in. I think I can let it go now. Thanks for your wisdom, Zach.
Sarah and John have been fighting like mad. They never used to fight in front of me- she'd just tell me about it after. But the last 2 times I've been home with them, they're intensely arguing with each other. I mean, INTENSE. It really makes me sooooo much more glad than ever to be single. Not that I've ever been much of a fighter- my relationships were always pretty mellow. Never really bickered that much. With Mikey, yeah we fought towards the end. But it was always more like there was tension because he wanted out and it just sparked arguments here and there.

Can you take me high enough?

Don't say goodnight. Say you're gonna stay forever...
All the way! All the way!

Damn Yankees stuck in my head. It's such a great song.

But I still stand by my previous committment: If any guy ever sang "To Be With You" to me, I'd marry him on the spot.

I love Monster Ballads. I especially love Monster Ballad Monday.

Total Eclipse of my Brain

I have a myspace page and I often make entries in the blog on there, but they're mostly just those interview-like list things. I filled one out yesterday and thought my answer to "Do you really know all of the words to your national anthem?" was just so terribly clever. I said, "Yes, I know all of the words to Total Eclipse of the Heart." Flynn thought it was clever enough to copy, even. You see, BFF is the host of the most amazing karaoke show ever, which also happens to be THE MOST amazing weekly party in NYC. And the anthem for his party is TEotH. Flynn and I love to sing it, but BFF and his cohost matt usually do it. So on special occassions, Flynn and I steal it. We did it this Monday and it felt so good to belt that shit out again. It's been a while. I'm secretly hoping that they'll let us sing it for the Friday night special party next weekend.
I listened to it on my way home tonight and got all tingly over it. I adore that song so much! And of course I belted it out to Hoyt Ave while walking home from the subway... but after it on my karaoke mix on Arthur came Heart's "Alone". This song is so true to my LIFE. "Til now, I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you". So, Michael, until you, I was totally content being alone. But since you, I often feel lonely and want a companion (or at least a make out buddy). Not that I want Michael back- I actually find him sort of over bearing and obnoxious now and wouldn't want to date someone with such a pushy personality. But the sentiment of that part of the chorus still applies. He's still changed me forever. I guess that it was a good change, so I thank him for that much.
But when I sit back and think about it, I have the most amazing friends and I'm happy with my life as it is. I'm never actually lonely. I always have someone I can call to meet me for a meal or a movie or a game of pinball. So I don't really ever feel lonely. Probably more just horny. hee hee.

I think I'm addicted to talking about me

It seems like everytime I start a blog, I go bananas and post like a maniac and ignore all of the things going on in the world that are interesting and only talk about my small self. I mean, our Vice President shot someone and all I want to discuss on this thing is how I can't get a date and when I do find someone to date, I ruin it because I'm crazy. So just to clarify, I'm a narcissist and addicted to blogging. But that's just the way it's going to be. Hell, if you want to read about things going on in the world, there's a google news link to the right.

narcissism
Main Entry: nar·cis·sism
Pronunciation: 'när-s&-"si-z&m
Function: noun
Etymology: German Narzissismus, from Narziss Narcissus, from Latin Narcissus
1 : EGOISM, EGOCENTRISM
2 : love of or sexual desire for one's own body-
nar·cis·sist /'när-s&-sist/ noun or adjective- nar·cis·sis·tic /"när-s&-'sis-tik/ adjective

egocentric
Main Entry: ego·cen·tric
Pronunciation: "E-gO-'sen-trik also "e-
Function: adjective
1 : concerned with the individual rather than society
2 : taking the ego as the starting point in philosophy
3 a : limited in outlook or concern to one's own activities or needs b : SELF-CENTERED, SELFISH

addict
Main Entry:
ad·dict
Pronunciation: &-'dikt
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Latin addictus, past participle of addicere to favor, from ad- + dicere to say -- more at DICTION
1 : to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively
2 : to cause addiction to a substance in

So I'm not trying to justify it at all. Just saying, this is how it is.

and since it is Valentine's Day...

I did get the sweetest card in the mail today. I almost cried. I miss Damon so much. He's one of the best people I've ever known in the world and I am so grateful that he is my friend.

so it begins

I had a tarot reading for the first time in my life last week. She said my new year didn't actually start in January. That it was starting now. Then this week, I had a breakthrough moment with my therapist: I don't have to justify my every move and ever decision to everyone all the time. This notion hit me like a ton of bricks.

Last week, I totally blew it with Eric the Cute Fun Make Out Boy. Basically, I'm insane. I think if I had this blog already, I would have avoided sending that fateful message. I could have just written it here instead. I think that after last year's Dumping by Michael, I just don't want to make myself vulnerable to anyone. I've been avoiding boys altogether since. But I finally give in and start hanging out with this guy. And then, naturally, I drove this totally great guy away. Not that I was at all worried this would turn into a boyfriend thing, but I guess I can't even handle dating? It really sucks and I'm really disappointed in myself for it. He wasn't calling me and kind of blowing me off, so guess I felt I had to brutally kill it before my ego got bruised. I guess. Lesson learned: chill out. And stop letting everyone else's nagging get to me. (FYI this is NOT me trying to justify what I did- this is just me explaining it, mostly to myself)

I almost got BFF to take me out to dinner tonight. I was so funny and charming, but he already had plans. Oh well. I'm honestly over being infatuated with him. I adore the guts out of him, but I don't get all heartbroken over him anymore and have no romantic attraction to him at all. He's a great friend to have and I'm glad we're BFF. And thank GOD he trimmed the beard. The beard is hot, just not when it's all Grizzly.

I really do want to find someone to make out with. I don't want a boyfriend- I hate boys. They're dumb. But I can't help adoring them!