I'm an Extraordinary Machine

"If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine"

I'm finally listening to the new Fiona Apple. It's really good.

So in therapy today, my doctor made a point that I had never thought of before. If I was more openly and blindly supported as a kid- more encouraged rather than just pressured- I may have been more confident about pursuing fashion or some more creative line of work. I dropped my art minor in college because of my lacking self belief. I wouldn't now be so afraid to turn my hobbies that I love into something I would need to depend on for survival. I wouldn't be so worried about metering success in dollar signs.

I love my mom and I hate to have to tell her, "Thanks for suffocating me all my life. It's the reason I'm crazy and drive everyone away from me.". I'm a Kelly Clarkson song, I swear. "Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you I always play on the same side so I don't get hurt...". I don't take risks. I am the most open person I know, but it's all shallow. I never get so close to someone that I will get hurt when they leave. Even Michael- I was heartbroken for like a month. He dumped me in April, by May I had feelings for another guy. And we were supposed to have been so in love, we were going to get married. I have no problem telling anyone anything, but letting myself depend on someone else for anything- doesn't happen. I'm always the one that takes care of everyone else, but I don't let anyone take care of me. I don't get vulnerable to anyone. And I feel like I'm missing out on some real human experiences because of it.

In other news, my tattoo is peeling. This makes me nervous that it is fading already. But it looks beautiful.

And finally, I think I'm going on sabbatical again.