Really Just Some Notes So I Won't Forget

Friday night- nachos, cracker jacks, insulting neighbors, bowling, TINA!, bowls. Hysterical and amazing and I miss it and I hope it becomes more regular.
Saturday- slept til 4pm. Lovely and heartgripping sincerity from Shandi. Petey's hysterical turtle antics!, Keifer and Michael Douglas, chicken burritos all over Hoyt due to a raging migraine.
Sunday- slept til noon. Hid from the world. Made 4 pairs of earrings, a complicated necklace, and started knitting a bag. Space cowboys! Talked to 2.5 people only. Best day ever, but I miss my roommate!

All in all, a good weekend.
And I have the best BFF of life ever: "and I HAVE GUM!!!"

Last week:
EC: "I want to meet your new BFF!"
Me: "So do I!"

May All Your Days Be Gold My Child

Sarah got into NYU for her Education Masters- I'm very excited for her. She's not so excited. She was so set on moving back to California, and if she goes to school here, she feels she's trapped here for another 3-4 years. I told her it's not like she has to finish at NYU. Maybe she can transfer if she really hates it? But maybe NY will be a totally different (and more enjoyable) experience for her. She's not sure what to do about John- she keeps thinking that if she didn't have the stress of her job, maybe she would be more into the relationship. I'm happy that she's finally going to get out of corporate retail. I'm happy that she's finally doing something that makes her feel like she's growing and moving toward "starting her life", as she keeps putting it.

All of this is, of course, making me wonder when I'll "start my life". And what life do I want to start? I'm stressing out about it all again. I'll start this FIT class in May. Hopefully, I'll really learn something and gain some inspiration and motivation. I need to start actually scheduling time to make things. Like, in my calendar. Because when I don't, I never get around to doing it. I hate being a schedule person, but I think until I get back in the habit of doing it, this is what it's going to take.

In other aspects of life, I go through cycles when it comes to boys. And the transition is so drastic and jarring. Lately, I want a boy to like me that I like back. I want someone to spend time with who looks at me in that way. Who wants to hold my hand. Who is fun to be around. Not that I necessarily need it- I'm not incomplete without it. But I'm craving that again. Sometimes, the idea of dedicating any of my time to a boy just seems so unappealing and aggravating. And being in a relationship seems so ridiculous. And like a complete hassle. But then I'll have these moments where I just want that feeling of being cared about. I don't know. Maybe it's just hormones.

I've been listening to lots of sparklehorse again lately...
keep all your crows away
hold skinny wolves at bay
in silver piles of smiles
may all your days be gold my child

Are you FOR SERIOUS!?

It's like goddamn Jenny Lewis all over again!
You've got to be fucking kidding me!!!

Her Hips Don't Lie (but they make me want to vomit)

Seriously, lay off the Shakira. 9:02am. 10:02am. Yeserday, it went from every hour, to every 1.5 hours, to then every 2 hours. Thanks for letting up by the end of the day, but I really don't need to hear it 6 times a day. I never thought it was a good song to begin with.

But the real point of today is that I feel things shifting again. I don't understand why the half-life of my life is so short, but for the first time in 3.5 years, I'm feeling it again. I feel like things just got really good, but it will be time to go soon. And this time, I can see it too. The time will be coming soon. I just don't know where it will lead me yet. I always thought I'd just keep moving East until it brought me back out West, but now I don't know if I can handle the restarting so many times. I think I stayed here too long. It's funny- Dan's road trip was like a very fast paced and short lived version of how I thought I'd live my life. Like, I was taking his road trip but in bigger steps and at a much slower pace. What is it about NY that makes people throw in the towel on their plans???

The waxing and waning of relationships baffle me.
Just when I start to think I'm starting to really understand people, they pull the pillowcase over my head and beat me with a steel pipe.

I've got a mouth full of cookies

There's seems to be this theme lately. Or maybe it's more like a common trend. I feel like even the most amazingly humble, generous, and down to earth people are getting stung with the wicked narcissism bug. And it's really bumming me out.

Now I know narcissism isn't interchangeable with selfishness, but they are correlated in a way. I'm all about being selfish. I believe that yes, you may have supportive people in your life and the world isn't such a cut throat place, but ultimately, it is all up to you. You have to do what's best for you, because no one else will always put you first. But there's a limit to this being selfish dogma that I believe in. If it will directly hurt or in any way negatively impact or affect someone else, is it really the best thing to do? Or if making the smallest sacrifice every once in while would give someone else some kind of great joy, isn't it worth putting someone else ahead for once? Why not make that sacrifice? So recently, I've noticed that so many people in my life have gotten to where they value other people based on what they can do for them. How they can improve their image or status or how they can get them ahead. This is the phoney and superficial attitude I fled from when I left California. NY was supposed to be better than that. Where people like people because they're interesting, not because they will help increase their popularity or help bulk their myspace friends list with pretty faces and impressive network groups.

And it makes me wonder what kind of empty existence that leads to. There's a few people in my life that I've come to realize are like this and I wonder if they have any real friends. Any substantial relationships. People must transition through their lives quicker than the turnover rate at McDonalds.
And of course it seems to me like a vicious cycle. They learn that people leave and start to believe more and more that they can only rely on themselves and become detached and careless of others. And others come to see them as selfish assholes who only care about themselves and don't stick around.

It's weird too. I have recently stopped feeling let down by people. Or at least have started to feel it less. Or rather, I've come to realize that it's inevitable and most people in your life will only let you down because we expect things of them that are unfair. And you can only feel let by someone when they don't meet your expectations, and so I just have to stop expecting things from other people. I think my sessions with Dr. G have really helped me to go beyond just being selfish and learning to actually be supportive of myself. And a result of this has been that I've been feeling much more content with everything, much less lonely and disappointed. The lonliness I was feeling a short while ago, was, I think, more of a disruption of my normal routine and therefore a missing for the people I've come to surround myself with. I wasn't exactly lonely, I just missed hanging out with my friends. There's also been some recent distancing between some of my closest friends and I and I'm not sure where it came from- if it's me or them. But it sucks and I've thought about it and dwelled on it and the conclusion that I've come to is that it's just a phase and it will pass. It's happened before. Just let it run it's course. I know that I still feel the same caring for them, and as long as I remain true to the friendships, everything will be fine. But if it doesn't turn out just fine- if somehow the friendship dissolves, I kind of feel like maybe that was just the fate of it. That maybe they were meant to be in my life for a certain period of time and that time has passed.

A boy said to me once, "Nothing lasts forever, you know".
And I did know. I knew it better than anything I've ever known before.

Not to say that nothing is lasting whatsoever. Friendships can last a lifetime, but then those lives end. So once again, they can't last forever. Some are meant to last only weeks, some are meant to last years upon years. And in not knowing which version of relationship I'm in, I come to see each day and each encounter as valuable and impacting. And finite. And that's fine by me.

I think this all sounds much more depressed and angry and doomed than I meant it to. I'm actually very content and happy and happy about the people in my life. I'm not saying that I can never count on anyone for anything- I know that I have some amazingly supportive friends that I love and trust. And I can love and support them in return. But it's not a trade. It never should be seen as a two way transaction. And since really knowing and understanding that- since knowing that just because I choose to support and love someone does not guarantee a return on that, I've learned not to expect anything from them, which only leads to no possible end result of disappointment. Do you see?

It's inevitable.

I used to think all people will always let you down someday in someway.
Now, I'm pretty sure that's almost right.
It's more like 96% of all people.

um

Seriously.
The beefneck meathead "hipster" phenomenon freaks me out.
Make them stop.

I'm so tired

I keep not waking up in time. I keep waking up at what would have been the right time a week ago, but now it's an hour late thanks to daylight savings time.
Really, I need to go to bed earlier is what's going on. 4 hours per night is what the say the adult body actually needs- but I think my body isn't an adult yet.

So I have a team in Pianos' Fantasy Baseball League. I hadn't even looked at my team until last night- when I found out I was in last place. BUT here's some players that I have: Manny, Jeff Kent (LAD), Ivan Rodriguez!, Chone!, PEDRO!... seriously, Yahoo did my draft for me and I did alright. So now I'm rearranging who's benched and who's playing... I want Soriano in left field but it won't let me. I thought he played field?? I have Mark Prior (LM's BF) and I want to keep him but he's on DL since March 15... I don't have any Oakland pitchers. I still don't really understand how this works. I have to look at the schedule to see who's playing tonight. And I need to fix my pitching staff.

In other news, I accidentally stalked this guy on the internet and now we're MySpace friends. I think it's hilarious. He has tattoos of cake and ice cream.

I have plans for my next tattoo. How awful is it to copy someone else's custom piece?! I feel like a total asshole, but I'm IN LOVE with it. I'm trying to make variations, but it really feels like when you hear a song that's a total rip off of some old song.. you know? Tacky.

Du hast mich gefragt und ich hab nichts gesagt

I wish Rammstein was on tour in the US this year. All I want to do this summer is go home and take my brother to 1) a home A's game, 2) to get tattoos together, and 3) to a Rammstein show. Is that really too much to ask??

Extra Tiny

Been feeling strangely lonely lately. I mean, I've been surrounded by people non stop for the last 2 weeks or so, but I haven't felt so disjointed from the people I'm hanging out with in a real long time. I just feel very awkward and ill fitting lately. I don't know why or where it's coming from. Nobody is really doing anything differently. Could be the warming weather- it has the tendency to make me homesick, which always gives me this weird feeling of not belonging anywhere. There's a million things it could be...
Yesterday was like Celebrity Day. Jon Stewart at brunch, some of Shandi's Top Model friends at the bar, Debbie Harry walking down Stanton. Where was Jake!? I haven't seen him in about a year. That makes me sad.
I have been hanging out with Sarah a lot more lately and that's been great. I love when she's happy- she's the best to hang out with. She's starting to seem more like Sarah from College lately and I can't even begin to explain how elated that makes me. It makes me wish Em, Jo, Tanya and Radha would come out here and we could all run around together.