The Elephant House

Went to Cape Cod for Memorial Day Weekend. I was so looking forward to a nice, quiet, relaxing get-away weekend, which is pretty much exactly what I got. We left pretty early in the morning and cracked ourselves up at our stopping not a quarter mile from the car rental place to get breakfast, then stopping 5 minutes later to get gas. We thought our starting pace was just hilarious. We finally get on the road and hit some traffic through Connecticut, but once we got to about where the outlet malls start, the roads cleared up. Of course that's when we had to make a rest stop. And of course that's when I accidentally bought a new Marc Jacobs tote. But then we hit the road again and flew past so many neat and adorable New England towns- we decided on our way home, we'd stop and explore a little.

We got to Sarah's Granny's house at about 6 pm- just early enough to take a walk through Woods Hole. The downtown is just one little street with some shops, restaurants, art galleries- it reminded me of the wharf in Santa Cruz minus the pelicans and sea lions. The weather was cool and there weren't really many people at all, which surprised me as I thought there would be people going to and from Martha's Vineyard. We ventured out to the private beach where only some of the home owners have rights- I'm not sure exactly how it works, but it was tiny and clean and empty. There's two little foot bridges to get to the beach that go over some frog ponds, and one pond was filled with hundreds of bullfrog tadpoles! The houses around Woods Hole are these amazing beach houses- some remind me so much of homes on West Cliff in Santa Cruz- huge and wooden with huge windows and porches. It's funny to me how nomatter where I go, it could almost be Anytown, USA. East Coast beach towns really aren't so different from West Coast beach towns... there are distinct differences, but the similarities out number them by far.

We got back to Granny's house and had dinner, then sat and talked and I knitted. Sarah's Granny is a fascinating woman. She grew up in Manhattan, right near Hunter College, in an actual house. She was telling us all kinds of stories about being a child in Manhattan and I started to get that thrilling love for New York feeling that just overtakes me entirely. I think Sarah got pretty excited again for New York- something she doesn't feel too often. We talked about going to find Granny's old house. Sarah's grandfather was an oceanographer and moved the family to Baltimore- I'm not sure if he did research at Johns Hopkins or where he was working- when I asked Sarah about it, she said, "He wasn't a doctor so he didn't work at Johns Hopkins. That's a hospital." The bookshelves in the Woods Hole house are filled with old hardcovers from before the fifties- and Granny has some impressives titles. There's so much art and education just pouring out of every crack in that house- it was inspiring and movtivating. Went to bed pretty early as we were exhausted from the drive- but only after sitting and listening to the Spring Peeper frogs for a while.

The next day, we got up and went for a drive out to Edward Gorey's house in Yarmouthport- about an hour drive from Woods Hole. It was a beautiful drive- tree lined with giant colonial houses popping out of the woods. The house is the Elephant House and I was so excited to just be there. I can't describe the feelling. I love Edward Gorey and everything he did and everything he collected- I'll never love someone I'll never be able to meet as much as I adore him.

My Eyes Are So Tired

There are so many things going on, yet it feels like nothing is moving at all.
My life is pretty good right now, when you look at it from the outside. I've been creating a little more lately. Joe is tattooing me on Thursday. Finally getting Nellie on her bicycle...

My roommate and I get along famously (though we don't see each other a whole lot) and we're going on a road trip to Cape Cod for the weekend. My job is ok- it's not what I want to do with my life but it pays me enough and the work is decently entertaining and most of the people are great. My friends are amazing- every single one of them. From the GCs- who I love and adore and have changed my life forever, to Kim (who is one of my favorites and I really don't get to see enough of her), to Brian with his new bunny, to Brette and her fun boy stories, to Timmy who constantly cracks my shit up and is one of the most down to earth people I've ever known. Petey is amazing and I'm in love with him and he's my soul mate. Taylor is really great and I feel very comfortable with him and so far, I have a lot of fun hanging out with him. I'm surrounded by amazing people who all do amazing things and invite me to be a part of this whole amazing world.

So why am I still so unsettled feeling?

Why am I DUMB!?

What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously. This so far really nice guy is saying he wants to hang out with me and I should be ecstatic. He's cute, he's nice, he's easy to talk to, he's friends with my friends (and my friends are stellar so you know he can't be half bad), he's driven. And he's into me, so he says. Which is not a common occurance as it is. So I should be jumping through the roof, right? But I'm retarded and totally attached to Lives Across The Country and Would Probably Be The Worst Fit Ever If We Knew Each Other In Person But I'm Still Convinced He's My Soul Mate and so I'm looking and new nice guy thinking, "He doesn't have any tattoos and I don't think he's in a band". Seriously!? Am I in high school still? I have the emotional maturity of a 9th grader. This is ridiculous.

The Coincidences Freak Me Out Some Times

So I started reading the Dalai Lama book yesterday and of course, as I'm sitting there on the train platform, reading today, I look up and there's a Tibetan Monk standing in front of me. Now, if Tibetan Monks were among those gems of NY that I see daily- like Hasidic Jews and albinos- I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But I never see Tibetan Monks.

Maybe I've got it all wrong

Maybe I'm just a bad friend.
Or a totally valueless person.
Maybe it's that I don't have anything to contribute.
Maybe that's how I manage to fall into the cracks.

But I Held My Tongue

Here's what I really wanted to say... but there was no need to start a fight.

From: me
Date: May 11, 2006 6:09 PM
Subject: Re: Death by Cuteness.
Reply Reply to all Forward Print Add sender to Contacts list Delete this message Report phishing Show original Message text garbled?

This reminds me of the time when we were all on stage singing and not only did I get pushed to the back where I couldn't see or be seen, I got pushed behind the curtain 3 times, and then Kate had to save me from getting pushed off the side of the stage when you rammed into me and shoved me backwards. pushed off the cc list, pushed off the stage.. whatever. it's all the same, right?

But I didn't figure it was intentional at all so I just dropped it.

- Hide quoted text -
On 5/11/06, Liz wrote:
another "technical difficulty" i guess.

On 5/11/2006 6:03 PM, Devon wrote:
>Why is she always rubbing joel in our face? Yes, we know he's hot blah blah
>blah.
>
>Oh wait, I didn't mean to cc you liz. Sorry.

On 5/11/06 6:02 PM, Liz wrote:
>>i don't think you did. must have been on the e-mail thread where i was
>>"mistakenly" left off. whatever. just an excuse for you all to flirt
>>with joel. i get it. i don't blame you.

On 5/11/2006 6:00 PM, Flynn wrote:
>>>i will be going out after. which you know. and you know where i'll
>>>be going. because i told you. but i'll text you anyway because i
>>>love you.

On 5/11/06, Liz wrote:
i wish i could, but since i was voted off the girl chat island
>>> today, i
>>> went and made other plans.... *sigh* if you feel like including me,
>>> which i would never count on, text me after if you're going out. but,
>>> if i don't hear from you, i'll assume you're all having fun with out
>>> me. again

On 5/11/2006 5:53 PM, Flynn wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>word up i will be there. is kate coming or is she
>>>>>>>> >>> abandoning us
>>>>>>>>>>for kitten?

On 5/11/06, I wrote:
>>>>>>>> that sounds good to me.
>>>>>>>> I may have shot myself in the face by then as my Congressman
>>>> nominated Republican Of The Year Ass Backwards boss is making me
>>>> enormously aggravated today, but I will be there.

On 5/11/06, Devon wrote:
>>>>>>>> Are we meeting at union square cinema at 7 ladies?

It just seems to me like everyone is making such a big stink about their own feelings- throwing tantrums when they feel somehow shafted. But nobody cares about anyone else. Shandi didn't really say anything, but I could see it in her face and hear it in her voice when we talked about the emails that she felt let out. And I feel like I've been working so hard to make sure no one feels badly. I haven't exactly been feeling the most warmly welcomed myself, but I've been trying to brush that off as it is so difficult when you have such a large and unwieldy group. It just makes me a little turned off when we, as a whole, can be so inconsiderate to anyone and everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves, we're the center of the universe and everyone else is the bad guy.

I don't know. I know I'm being too hard on her and insensitive and I know she was really upset about being left off the list yesterday, and I do love her to death and only want her to be happy. But it wasn't intentional and everyone apologized and yet we're still being burned at the stake for it.

I was talking to Flynn about it yesterday and I mentioned how Jesse sent emails to me about how upset he was about not getting shirts. This poor guy is always feeling shafted (and in all honesty, he's not without reason. He does get shafted more than is really excusable) and I felt awful that he didn't know what was going on Monday night with the water fight and that when shirts were distributed, he was overlooked. And he let me know in about 3 emails how he felt. But after I explained and tried to tell him that it was totally by accident, he calmed down. Of course Flynn makes it sound like he over reacts and is hypersensitive about everything. And maybe he is. But what's the difference between the way Liz was acting yesterday- with her incessant stabs at us hating and neglecting her after our apologizing and making tireless efforts to make sure she wasn't dropped from the list again- and his calling out our slip yet again? How is it ok and excusable for her to have a tantrum if it's absurd for him to behave the way he did?

All in all, it's way too much drama and as much as I really love the group and want to be a part of the magic, I don't like the drama and the egg shells. It takes the fun out of it.

It's Been A While

Friendships are strange creatures. The way people come in and out of our lives, the way you can grow together or apart at such lightening speeds without even noticing any kind of shifts until the friendships have transformed so completely that you don't even recognize them anymore. Some of the shifts and changes I can look back on and see that they were my doing, but some I am so overwhelmed by, I don't know how to handle.

In the end, it all just brings back all those feelings that landed me in New York in the first place. I'm really bad at relationships and dealing with people- and not just negative situations either, I often can't handle positive, close relationships either- so I end up shutting down and running from them. Not to say I'm socially awkward or anything- I make new friends easily and get along with basically everyone. It's when the emotions start to run deeper that I choke. It's when there's more invested and I can see that my own actions effect other people's feelings or when I take so much stock in the other person that my own feelings are effected by them. I don't like for people I care about to be upset, and some how I take the things that people I care about say and do very personally. It's ironic that these overwhelming feelings are starting to boil up right when my therapist decides to fire me, isn't it? I think I might choke on my own tongue soon.

I know where this anxiety is coming from, but do I have the courage and strength to follow through with how Dr. G told me to deal with it?

My suggested reading list from him:
The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama
Reinventing Your Life, Jeffrey Young