Can Anybody Out There Hear Me?

Because I can't seem to hear myself...

So Flynn and I went to Long Beach over the weekend and I'm freaking out that I totally have coxsackie now, which would only really suck if I was contageous. Because I'm super busy (I have 3 jobs now guys! That's where I've been if you haven't heard from me recently... it's not that I don't love you, I just barely have time to eat or sleep anymore) and because I don't want to get people like Flynn or Kate sick. They especially can't afford getting ill right now. My sinuses went nuts last week during the 9.5 allergen rating blah blah whatever, and I am all clogged up. So I'm sick, hopped up on tons of pseudoephedrines, hard of hearing, having trouble breathing, and suffering major sleep deprivation. But it's fun. Job #3 is cutest, most exciting in a promising-life-goal kind of way. Job #2 is hardest but most challenging and I'm learning a ton. Job #1 feeds me.

I took a break from life last night and just watched about 6 hours straight of Six Feet Under. Becoming Emily Previn has always been my biggest fear in life, but I've never really known how to talk about it. I told Chris once about being scared of becoming invisible and I think he thought I was crazy. But I could so easily see myself turning into her, and I don't like it. "I think the thing you said was true- I'm going to die alone and sad"...

Lean a little bit closer see cause roses really smell like poo poo poo poo

I think I need to start seeing a therapist again. Everything I started to work on and learn from Dr. G has already melted away and I feel crazy and insecure and self-doubting all over again. I think it comes from becoming part of a close group of girl friends at the same time as ceasing my sessions. Girls are so competitive and it just causes this drive to have to defend and promote myself constantly, which makes me second guess my self worth in the first place. I'm like going insane here.

Just some random thoughts:

-I don't want to knit scarves for people I don't know so that my friend can seem impressive to a bunch of e-strangers that she flirts with on the internet.

-I wish I had more time for myself for things like reading and sleeping and making my own knits and jewelry and for writing letters.

-There are certain people in my life that I constantly give the benefit of the doubt and consistently end up feeling taken for granted or taken advantage of and I usually just wish they would disappear from my life without me having to say, "Get out my life".

-Kim has gotten me hooked on bubble gum.

-I wish I was going to see Justin Timberlake next week.

listless
One entry found for listless.
Main Entry: list·less
Pronunciation: 'list-l&s
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English listles, from 2list: characterized by lack of interest, energy, or spirit (a listless melancholy attitude)
synonym see LANGUID - list·less·ly adverb - list·less·ness noun