Here's what I wish I could tell him...

every time he says to me, "You could have called me too, you know." But considering he's moved away to start over, and with everything he's said about relationships and dating and being worried about starting something at all, I think it's best left alone.

But I have to get it out, so I will let it out here.

I remember that first show I went to with Sarah. She wanted me to meet Jim and see his band. I met all the girlfriends and the rest of the band and I thought you guys were great. A few days later, Sarah tells me that Jim said Paul was asking about me. I assumed you were just being funny because your girlfriend was also half Japanese. And I didn't think much of it because at the time I had a boyfriend, and I have pretty bad peripheral life vision on top of the fact that I never notice boys at all anyway. We saw each other at your shows for the next 6 months or year or however long it was. I didn't really ever get to talk to you much, which was always disappointing because you seemed like such a cool, down to earth and fun guy. I didn't really get to know any of you guys aside from Jim. And then we all went out in that huge group for St. Patrick's Day. Something about you hit me that day. And I found it hilarious that you were more interested in finding out as much as you could about Mikey and talked to him more than you had ever talked to me in the year or so we had known each other. About a month later, Mikey and I broke up. Next came your last show with the Drapes. I remember thinking how I would love to actually someday get to know you better, but figured it wasn't happening then as it was sort of your party and everyone would be fighting for your attention and the rumor was that you were quitting the band and moving out of the house to go out to California. A few months later, we all went to see Nina and Damien's band play at Cakeshop, and I remember Flynn and Sarah teasing me because you were supposed to show up. Which you did, and spent the entire time at the bar with a really adorable girl. That was sort of my red light/ "stop what you're thinking, he's totally not into you" sign. So ok, I give up pretty easily. Shortly after, I saw you again at the Drapes first official show with Drew. It was at that venue that I really hate on 1st ave or whatever- the live room is downstairs and always smells like a port-a-potty. You were filming and flirting relentlessly, and my shyness was gone and I was my usual outgoing, charming self because I figured you weren't into me. Sarah and I left to go to karaoke after their set and gave me so much shit for not yanking you into the bathroom right then to make out. But I think that's the night you guys all crawled over to Pianos for about 10 minutes. You didn't say hello or goodbye, so I figured it was still a lost cause. I managed to go to a few Drapes/Drew solo shows/other various Woodside household functions, but never saw you. Never managed to be at the same place at the same time, but always minimally hoping you'd show up. In February, Jim and I were hanging out at Fat Baby for a party Guy and Cheyo were throwing and he was texting you, trying to get you to come out. I told him to say hi from me, and you responded with some pretty funny remarks. Hope revived slightly. March came and we all went out for Jim's birthday. At Winnie's, you seemed either plowed over with shyness, or completely turned off. I couldn't read you at all. But you were so amazing, helping out when Flynn wasn't feeling well. You still didn't talk to me- I remember thinking about how chatty you were with Mikey and how you could still barely say 5 words to me that weren't about finding Flynn a cab. But then we headed out, and you insisted on carrying me for the 304958304 blocks until we finally found cabs. We shared a cab home, and as you were getting out, I was dying to ask if you wanted to hang out sometime. But I hesitated because of how you seemed at Winnies.
It took 9 months to see you again. Video games and chili at my house. And we both know how it went from there.

So that's why I never tried to call you. And that's why I get nervous and seem like I can talk to everyone else with more ease than I can with you. And that's why I'm sad that our timing is so ridiculously horrid.

It's Almost Christmas

Mike left yesterday around 6 and I found myself all alone in the store, listening to Stina Nordenstam sing Purple Rain in the most painfully beautiful kind of way, and I was starting to feel terribly depressed. This is the first year I'm not going home for Christmas, and it's very surreal how empty the city has gotten. It's much worse than Thanksgiving. It's eerie and lonely. I think the combination of this boy I've had interest in for years who finally called me 4 days before he moved away plus all of my friends fleeing for the holidays with my own not being able to flee is just too much for me to handle. I am having this irrational fear that JLew's words are going to come true and I'm going to end up homeless, wrapping Christmas gifts in my car parked on some desolate block somewhere, trying to get a job as a holiday extra at a mall somewhere.

Peyton always says: People always leave.