It's not just me, it's sideways

I was also thinking about how it's just kind of the nature of guys that makes me so nervous. Every boyfriend I've ever had has gotten wasted and hit on my friends right in front of me, and hard. Not just flirting, but hitting on so that I can see the uncomfortable look on the friend's face. Once, I even watched as my drunken boyfriend made out with my best friend. Right in front of me. When I brought it up later, after he'd sobered up, he actually got mad at me that I was nagging him and picking fights. Half of past boyfriends/guys I was seeing have cheated on me or at least lied to me about dating other people simultaneously. And so many times (about 3 times this last week alone), I've felt intense pressure from guys who, granted they were out of control drunk, I am friends with their girls. Zach told me once that every guy is both of the guys from Sideways, and I hate that. And every time some friend of mine gets drunk and starts hitting on me hard, half the time his girlfriend is sitting next to me, I think back to him telling me that, and how it makes my stomach sour and makes me so intensely insecure about relationships on the whole. No matter how much I'm told I'm loved and adored, I know that when judgment is impaired, the best decisions aren't made. And attention is craved and sought hard. And as innocent as that is, I'm a girl and movies and romantic novels and Disney teaches girls that somewhere out there, there's a prince who will go to the ends of the earth and fight the evil witch and slay the dragon to win my love. And I'm conditioned to think that someone willing to go through all that would want the attention of some other girl. But when a guy gets drunk and hits on a girl that's not his girlfriend, it sort of makes the whole love and relationship thing seem impossible and hopeless.

And if it's not Princess Bride kind of forever one and only love, then why invest in it?

I could never be a polygamist. Being ok with sister-wives means you're just deluding yourself.

What it comes down to, really, is lack of confidence

I'm absolutely insane. That's already known. And the problems don't come from anything anyone else does- they come from me not having enough faith in myself to feel worth anything. He's the most giving, loving, supportive, attentive, generous boyfriend to have ever existed, and for whatever reason I'm still terrified that I'm investing myself into something that is inevitably going to fizzle right in front of me no matter what I do. And no matter how inseparable and close I am with a friend, I feel in the back of my head somewhere that someday, they too, will move on to bigger and better and leave me behind. When I was seeing a therapist, he explained to me that this fear of being left because of being inadequate was most likely the biggest cause of my anxiety problems. And it makes no sense that I feel this way. My parents are still together and in love after how many years (my mom video IM'ed me yesterday to show off the flowers my dad gave her for Valentine's day), so it's not like I have broken family issues looming over my head. He tells me I'm crazy often enough, but that's because I act crazy. I act terrified that out of nowhere he's going to change his mind about me and our life together. I don't try as hard as I should with my friends because I feel like if I put in more than they do, if I open up more than they do, then they're going to realize that we aren't equal and our friendship will fade. For whatever reason, in therapy, we never went over how to stop feeling this way. How to learn to feel better about myself. I've tried googling it. They say to make lists of your 50 strongest traits. I get as far as 10, usually. They say, "Say it til you believe it", but how long does that take? Because it's not working yet.

And the anxiety and depression are directly responsible for my gastro problems, I think. I was feeling good emotionally/mentally for a while, but I've been kind of a wreck lately and the bleeding is at it's worst so far.

Here's to hoping I figure it all out before it literally kills me.