The One Thing Dr. G Could Not Teach Me

I know what I need to figure out in order to start to fix myself, but I am really at a loss for where to even begin. Dr. Glicksman told me at pretty much every session that what I really needed to learn was to like myself. To have some self-esteem and see myself as a person of worth. I know it's completely ridiculous, and I can speculate and point fingers as to how I got this way (my mother didn't love me enough or whatever), but what do I do now that I see it? I'm not convinced that I am a valuable person and I recognize that I rely on other people telling me I am to feel any sort of worth at all and that is completely unhealthy. How do other people decide they are valuable and like themselves?

The Hardest Part

The biggest Catch 22 with the depression and anxiety is the feeling of complete worthlessness. I feel so unimportant, undesirable, and completely lacking in any value to anyone. And now I've become so dependent on Chris for feeling valuable, but he gets so drained by all of my moping and negativity that he doesn't want to be around me or touch me, and I don't blame him. I would react the same way. This morning I went into the bathroom just to give him a little kiss on the cheek and he said, "Oh here she is, begging for affection time". I feel like a huge burden on him. The one thing that could make me feel better is for him to want to spend time with me and want to be affectionate with me, but my needing and depending on it so much is pushing him away. I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it. I know the only solution is for me to learn to feel ok on my own, like I was before him. And I know I can get there again, I just hope he has the patience to wait for me.

I think the thing that's making me stuck this time around is the conflicted feeling I'm having about each of us choosing to be together. I feel like everything you do in life is a choice, and to be happy, you have to be comfortable and sure of your choices. I've chosen a life with Chris and am completely happy and confident about him. I know he's here and he's in this life together too, I think the discrepancy is that I don't think he knew what he was really in for and now he might be regretting his choice or feeling disappointed that he got short changed or cheated in some way. I want more than anything for me to get better so that we can work out, I just hope that he's ready and willing to be supportive while I work on it and to be strong and patient. It's a lot to ask for and he has no obligation to do this for me, but in my choosing him, I guess I'd assumed he chose me as well, which means choosing to be all of those things.

Really, I just don't know what I'm doing. I've always chosen to be alone rather than deal with being in a relationship as it is so complicated and hard, and now I don't know how to be in a relationship and be fair to the other person.

Anyway, this is rambling. There's so much muck in my head and I can't get it clear and I don't know what to do...

Let Your Imagination Run Away

I have an anxiety disorder, which are commonly linked to depression. My case is not severe- it's actually relatively manageable. I've never been on medication for it, though I had a short stint with counseling, which was all in all pretty ineffective as you have to be willing to open up and talk fluidly with a counselor, which I was not. My disorder comes and goes in waves. When it's high tide, I'm completely out of control of myself. Insecurity hits and completely takes over and I feel lost and unsafe. I feel completely insignificant and worthless. I become irrational, paranoid, and unreasonable. I get easily angered (enraged, really) and demanding of those closest to me. The worst is that I feel completely swallowed by it- broken, irreparable, and discard-able.

When it wanes, I realize how insane I've been and usually come out embarrassed and facing much damage control in my relationships. I've said things I don't actually mean but that were prompted from me feeling things that were founded in nothing. I'm lucky that most of the people closest to me have outstanding volumes of patience and understanding for me, and that they are willing to wait for me while I try to overcome this glitch in my brain.

I had dinner tonight with Flynn. While I've felt for a long time that we've become estranged, the moment I told her I wasn't right and needed her, she was right at my side. I hope she knows that it's reciprocal and if she needs me, I'll drop everything for her. I feel ashamed to think she didn't value our friendship, attribute it mostly to the insecurities that swell up, and mark it on my list of things to work on about myself.

It Feels Like the End is Inevitable

It's happening again and this time it only took 6 months. Chris looks at me and talks to me with what seems like the same exact feeling of distance and near disdain that Mikey did just before he gave up on me completely. His complaints and comments about my behavior are exactly the same, and his desperation to get away from me parallel as well. The stiffness and rigidity of his body language speaks volumes, so even though he says he's still trying and still loves me and still likes me, I'm hearing otherwise. I've suffocated him and wilted away any joy he might have viewed me with just simply by being me. I've managed to drive another one away. And this was probably the best one I could have ever found.

I know I need to start going to counseling again, but I don't have mental health coverage and can't afford it otherwise. The anxiety and depression is getting to be too much to deal with not just for myself, but for the person closest to me. I'm once again finding myself fantasizing about either falling in front of trains or packing a bag and not telling anyone where I've disappeared to. I know running away from things won't fix them, but it's easier than dealing with the disappointment I've caused myself. I miss his exuberance for me. I miss his warmth and tenderness. I miss his urgency about spending time with me- making me feel important and desirable. And I know that I extinguished that spark with my unreasonable demands and expectations. I know that my inability to just simply be in a good mood has drained everything out of him so that he can't even sleep next to me comfortably. I know it's completely my fault and I know I need to stop making it worse, but I don't know how. And his reactions to me- which are completely sound and understandable- only make me feel worse and more desperate, which compounds the situation.

I feel like I'm just waiting for him to give up and leave me. From the first day I warned him that I was crazy and that he would change his mind about me and here I've gone and forced it to happen. And I'm completely devastated and heartbroken and it's my own fault.