Lover, You Should Have Come Over

As far as I'm concerned, this is the most perfect song ever created.

Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water

And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know
When I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it

Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage hes done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you should've come over
cause its not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, shes the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong
Oh... lover, you should've come over
cause its not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you shouldve come over
Oh, love well I'm waiting for you
Lover, you should've come over
cause it's not too late

-Jeff Buckley

What's the Point!?

In a city with about 4 million men, why can't I find a single one who sparks my interest enough for me to have butterflies!?

Krista called me a-sexual yesterday. I almost cried. Am I too picky or is the selection really just that bad?

hmph.

You're like the Mexican Ramones or Something

I think I'm insane.

1. I'll never be satisfied with anything ever. And this unable-to-be-satiated-ness has left me lacking desire altogether lately. Which leaves me feeling completely void and null. And insane.

2. In other news, I'm totally anxious in a vomitous way about going to CA. I hate trying to schedule time too see everyone I've known from the ages of 0-22. Going to CA makes me insane.

While I watch the ocean

It was already impossibly humid when I left the apartment this morning. By the time I got on the train, I was a mess of sweat and static and greasy stickiness. Sometimes, the hardest thing to deal with living on this coast is the weather. Usually, though, that's the only difficult thing to deal with, thankfully.

That feeling of invisibility is overwhelming sometimes, though I'm so accustomed to it, I usually just let it go. But every once in a while, it really hits me hard. When everything I've said or every idea I've had is credited to anyone else, or my mere presence is forgotten when an event is reminisced, it bruises my heart just a little. But I never say anything. I never try to take the credit back. I never fight to be remembered. I gave up on doing that over a decade ago. Sometimes I wonder if I was actually there at all- if I fabricated the memories of being there or saying something altogether, because I always seem to be the only one who remembers it with myself included.

Going to Pennsylvania this weekend was a much needed getaway. The weather was perfect and being in a home with home cooked food and family, laughing and just relaxing... it actually made me tremendously homesick. It reminded me of summers in Hayward, hanging out with the Bronco's crew, sneaking into the pools of apartment complexes in the summer at night, breaking into the high schools to run around the football fields, hopping fences to get into Lone Tree cemetary to play truth or dare among the mosoleums, hiking around in the hills, crossing streams of ice cold water. The only thing different that I wish we'd had back then were the fireflies. The magical green sparkling among the trees at night.

I always manage to feel somewhat out of place no matter what group I spend time with, but this time it was minimal at least. I wonder if I'll ever really feel completely comfortable and belonging anywhere. I've never felt more comfortable or at home anywhere more than I do in my life in New York. But even here, I often feel out of place or misunderstood. I still feel slightly frustrated and cumbersome. I still feel alien and uniquely strange. And not in a good way. I've been trying to grow out of the awkwardness. Trying to ignore it. Fake it til you make it. But it's a lot of work and I don't think I'm truly convincing anyone.