I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone else
I remember the last time I saw him. It was his going away party on his roof at 125th and Amsterdam and he was so drunk and stoned and giggly and yet I could see the knowing sadness in his eyes because I had that same knowing sadness and it was pulling my heart through my throat. Saying goodbye that night would probably mean we'd never see each other again in our lives. I knew it and it killed me and there was nothing I could do about it.
We were together less than a year, but went through so much together. He was the first for a lot of things for me and taught me so much about being comfortable with myself. He was the first person to make me feel smart and unique and valuable. He was the first person I ever let myself become completely vulnerable to. He was the first person I loved- the first time I felt anything more significant than infatuation. I lost my virginity to him (about which he recently said, "I only wish we knew what we were doing back then... not that our clumsy fumbling wasn't lots of fun"). Not long after we broke up, his dad was in the accident that ended up taking his life. Tony told me he wanted me there, so despite the uncomfortable hatred I knew I'd be facing from his mom (and also from my friend Missy. Weird situation that sort of made things real sour for a time being after), we went to be with him in the hospital waiting room. Our break up was rough, and we were as utterly in love as you could be at 17. He was the first person I'd ever cared about so deeply and he's the one I always end up comparing everyone else to. And most of the time, they don't hold up. He's probably the reason I think I'll never get married. It's not a "my heart is so broken I never want anyone else" kind of thing. It's more like I have this ideal in my head and it's slightly disfunctional and I realize that it's probably not all that ideal at all really for making a go at something life-long, and I don't think I could handle a life-long commitment anyway.
He's shaped me more than he will ever know and sometimes it's tremendously hard to be so far away from him. I realize that I probably rarely cross his mind and that's ok. But I do miss him terribly and wish he still lived here so we could sit around all night watching Bollywood movies, narating them ourselves until we're delirious at 5 in the morning. I wanted to kiss him so badly that night but I was too scared, given our history. We were finally friends again, after having no contact for 6 years, and I knew he would be leaving NY when he finished school and I wanted to be able to have my good friend as well as I could while I could. But every once in a while, I wonder if I should have just done it and I start to regret holding back.
Sometimes I think I've always been in love with him and that I forever will be.
We were together less than a year, but went through so much together. He was the first for a lot of things for me and taught me so much about being comfortable with myself. He was the first person to make me feel smart and unique and valuable. He was the first person I ever let myself become completely vulnerable to. He was the first person I loved- the first time I felt anything more significant than infatuation. I lost my virginity to him (about which he recently said, "I only wish we knew what we were doing back then... not that our clumsy fumbling wasn't lots of fun"). Not long after we broke up, his dad was in the accident that ended up taking his life. Tony told me he wanted me there, so despite the uncomfortable hatred I knew I'd be facing from his mom (and also from my friend Missy. Weird situation that sort of made things real sour for a time being after), we went to be with him in the hospital waiting room. Our break up was rough, and we were as utterly in love as you could be at 17. He was the first person I'd ever cared about so deeply and he's the one I always end up comparing everyone else to. And most of the time, they don't hold up. He's probably the reason I think I'll never get married. It's not a "my heart is so broken I never want anyone else" kind of thing. It's more like I have this ideal in my head and it's slightly disfunctional and I realize that it's probably not all that ideal at all really for making a go at something life-long, and I don't think I could handle a life-long commitment anyway.
He's shaped me more than he will ever know and sometimes it's tremendously hard to be so far away from him. I realize that I probably rarely cross his mind and that's ok. But I do miss him terribly and wish he still lived here so we could sit around all night watching Bollywood movies, narating them ourselves until we're delirious at 5 in the morning. I wanted to kiss him so badly that night but I was too scared, given our history. We were finally friends again, after having no contact for 6 years, and I knew he would be leaving NY when he finished school and I wanted to be able to have my good friend as well as I could while I could. But every once in a while, I wonder if I should have just done it and I start to regret holding back.
Sometimes I think I've always been in love with him and that I forever will be.
posted by tiny hearted girl at 1:54 PM
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