ramblings of a basketcase

History Lesson

2008-04-08T14:42:00.004-04:00

I don't remember my first panic attack. I remember having recurring nightmares all through my childhood- nothing visual like a conventional dream, but physical feelings. It was like my lungs filled with concrete, my body was paralyzed, and I would flash back and forth between being crushed by all the gravitational pull in the universe to complete lack of gravity- weightlessness, almost like God and the world and everything abandoned me in nothingness. And the flashing back and forth was so intensely strong and terrifying, accompanied by not being able to move or scream out or breathe- I thought I was dying. And as a kid, I thought it was a ghost or a monster doing something to me while I slept. I remember making my dad check the closet. As I got a little older, my younger brother would have them as well. I remember one night, my dad was comforting my terrified brother, who was so scared because his hands felt like they were swelling (in hindsight, I think they were just going numb- also an affect of panic attacks), and my dad was telling him he was ok, that my dad used to get them as a kid too, don't worry, just try to breathe slowly and relax. My dad called it night terrors.
When I got to high school, I experienced my first panic attack while awake. It was the exact same sensations as the nightmares I'd always had. It hit out of the blue and I felt this crushing weight on my entire body, causing my heart to feel like it was going to jump straight out of my chest, my lungs were suddenly made of steel. I got severe tunnel vision and all of the periphery blacked out. My hearing had the same quality- minor sounds like the clock ticking or wind blowing- became so ear shatteringly amplified I thought my head might explode. And the attacks continued more or less exactly like that all through high school. Some days I wouldn't have one at all, some days I'd have up to 3. Some days they were so bad I'd actually pass out. I remember waking up one morning and getting struck so hard by one- I went to the window to open it to try to get some air to breath and the next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor with a bruised shoulder.
Anxiety disorder sufferers also often deal with periods of depression, and I'd say mine started around 16 years old. With depression, I'd feel this overwhelming uselessness. Meaninglessness. Worthlessness. I was completely apathetic about myself and it led to a lot of very destructive behavior. I was bulimic for about a year and a half. I realize most girls in high school or college suffer an eating disorder as a result of warped body image. I had the self-esteem of any 16 year old girl, but I'd attribute my bulimia more to a grasping at some feeling of control rather than to weight issues. When you are dealing with untreated anxiety disorders and depression, you feel this dissonance between what's occurring in your life and how you react emotionally. To me, "normal" was having an emotion as a result of some event that happened. Someone gave me a present therefore I was happy. My pet rabbit died, therefore I was sad. But my emotions didn't work that way- I'd be sad for weeks straight and have absolutely no idea why. No reason to be. And to be cognizant of this made matters worse. I had this desperate feeling that I wasn't in control of myself- my thoughts, feelings, behavior. But blaming this for my bulimia isn't necessarily accurate either. It's part of it, but everything to do with these disorders is so muddied and inter-tangled and unclear, that I can't say "if a then b" definitively. Just like my vicodin addiction, starting smoking and and wreckless partying and mdma abuse, I can't say that I did this to myself so that I could have something I felt control over. Because I knew they were harmful and I knew it wasn't good to do, and I didn't always want to do it. I might have started these behaviors because it was something I could control, but I quickly lost control in all of these cases to addictive behavior. I remember my senior year of high school, waking as the sun was rising, finding myself on some mattress in some parking lot in the warehouse district in Oakland.
When I went away to college, I decided it would all stop. All of it. The panic attacks, the abusive behavior, the smoking, the drugs. I was leaving it all behind and starting fresh. And for a while that worked. The depression was the first to come back. By sophomore year of college, I was having panic attacks again. By graduation, I was suffering such frequent and severe panic attacks, that I was nearly housebound, leaving only to go to work most days. I would have attacks in grocery stores, at the beach that was at the end of my block, at the coffee shop. I was terrified to leave my home for fear of having an attack in public. When our lease was up, I decided that moving to college almost cured me, maybe I should try for a bigger move.
I found myself in New York. 3000 miles away from my problems, I thought. I had money anxiety, but didn't think it was the same problems because they were sensible anxieties- I was still trying to settle in and find a job and make friends. For the first few years, I was fine. Then the depression came back. I thought it was just winter blues, but it lasted nearly 2 years. Waking everyday to feel like my veins dripped with a thick, black tar. Wanting to hurt myself and everyone that crossed my path. Hating everything everyone said. There's so much more intense and dark emotion that I'm not really sure how to explain, but it sets in and doesn't go away. I had my first severe panic attack since moving to New York late in 2004. The next January, I started seeing a therapist. I was terrified of being trapped again in the life that I had suffered through for so long, living in constant fear of myself and not knowing how to make it stop. His sessions helped, but they stopped. Then I lost my health insurance and now I'm dealing with general anxiety disorder with panic disorder and episodes of depression without any professional help. It's hard and it's terrifying and it's a struggle I'll deal with for the rest of my life.
I don't want to be the most fucked up. I have no desire to be the most disturbed or the most broken or the one with such severe problems that no one can understand. The problems I do have are scary and isolating enough and it's creates enough hopelessness that I couldn't bear dealing with anything more. So I don't understand people who compete for who is worse off. I've found one friend ever who could even remotely relate to any of what I was going through. We'd talk at length about our thoughts and feelings and while a lot of what she dealt with was similar, it wasn't exactly the same. But to have someone who at least had something similar felt good. I don't go around talking to everyone about it because it's no one else's business. And when people know you have something wrong with you psychologically, they treat you like they know it. I don't want everyone to know because they walk on eggshells and assume I'm going to flip out or get hysterical. Or what's even worse, I'll get paranoid that they think that and will treat me differently because they know about me. I'll worry, and feel anxious. So I only really discuss it with people it's going to directly effect- my closest friends and my boyfriend. Sickness isn't a race and it isn't a game. It's not a competition, so people who feed off of getting attention by creating sickness, to me, are stupid. They're not crazy. I'm crazy. People like me are crazy. But at least we're not stupid.

It's not just me, it's sideways

2008-02-15T17:52:00.003-05:00

I was also thinking about how it's just kind of the nature of guys that makes me so nervous. Every boyfriend I've ever had has gotten wasted and hit on my friends right in front of me, and hard. Not just flirting, but hitting on so that I can see the uncomfortable look on the friend's face. Once, I even watched as my drunken boyfriend made out with my best friend. Right in front of me. When I brought it up later, after he'd sobered up, he actually got mad at me that I was nagging him and picking fights. Half of past boyfriends/guys I was seeing have cheated on me or at least lied to me about dating other people simultaneously. And so many times (about 3 times this last week alone), I've felt intense pressure from guys who, granted they were out of control drunk, I am friends with their girls. Zach told me once that every guy is both of the guys from Sideways, and I hate that. And every time some friend of mine gets drunk and starts hitting on me hard, half the time his girlfriend is sitting next to me, I think back to him telling me that, and how it makes my stomach sour and makes me so intensely insecure about relationships on the whole. No matter how much I'm told I'm loved and adored, I know that when judgment is impaired, the best decisions aren't made. And attention is craved and sought hard. And as innocent as that is, I'm a girl and movies and romantic novels and Disney teaches girls that somewhere out there, there's a prince who will go to the ends of the earth and fight the evil witch and slay the dragon to win my love. And I'm conditioned to think that someone willing to go through all that would want the attention of some other girl. But when a guy gets drunk and hits on a girl that's not his girlfriend, it sort of makes the whole love and relationship thing seem impossible and hopeless.

And if it's not Princess Bride kind of forever one and only love, then why invest in it?

I could never be a polygamist. Being ok with sister-wives means you're just deluding yourself.

What it comes down to, really, is lack of confidence

2008-02-15T13:14:00.003-05:00

I'm absolutely insane. That's already known. And the problems don't come from anything anyone else does- they come from me not having enough faith in myself to feel worth anything. He's the most giving, loving, supportive, attentive, generous boyfriend to have ever existed, and for whatever reason I'm still terrified that I'm investing myself into something that is inevitably going to fizzle right in front of me no matter what I do. And no matter how inseparable and close I am with a friend, I feel in the back of my head somewhere that someday, they too, will move on to bigger and better and leave me behind. When I was seeing a therapist, he explained to me that this fear of being left because of being inadequate was most likely the biggest cause of my anxiety problems. And it makes no sense that I feel this way. My parents are still together and in love after how many years (my mom video IM'ed me yesterday to show off the flowers my dad gave her for Valentine's day), so it's not like I have broken family issues looming over my head. He tells me I'm crazy often enough, but that's because I act crazy. I act terrified that out of nowhere he's going to change his mind about me and our life together. I don't try as hard as I should with my friends because I feel like if I put in more than they do, if I open up more than they do, then they're going to realize that we aren't equal and our friendship will fade. For whatever reason, in therapy, we never went over how to stop feeling this way. How to learn to feel better about myself. I've tried googling it. They say to make lists of your 50 strongest traits. I get as far as 10, usually. They say, "Say it til you believe it", but how long does that take? Because it's not working yet.

And the anxiety and depression are directly responsible for my gastro problems, I think. I was feeling good emotionally/mentally for a while, but I've been kind of a wreck lately and the bleeding is at it's worst so far.

Here's to hoping I figure it all out before it literally kills me.

This is me, venting and complaining about all the things I never say out loud.

2007-11-17T14:35:00.000-05:00

(This is really disorganized and not well thought out at all.)

Everytime we have a fight, I think back to that night when he was trying to help me write a song. He was so patient and had such an amazing way of explaining it. I was already becoming greatly attached to him as a friend because we'd been spending so much time together. I already knew him as fun and adventurous, with creative ideas and who needed to have lots of projects going on. So much like me. But the instant I saw this new, gentle, generous and caring side to him, I was done. Game over. This was it. I was fallen.

Now I've always been the kind who flights instead of fights. I hate relationships for the same reasons I don't want kids. I am selfish and I don't like settling for other than exactly what I want. I hate giving in. Why shouldn't I have things exactly the way I want? It usually means I can't be with other people because I won't compromise for them, but who is that hurting besides myself? It's my loss, being alone, right? And if that's my choice, then why should anyone else be bothered? Except that I met this guy and I want him to be in my life, so I make sacrifices. I try to do nice things for him and compromise things I want. I can't stand clutter around the apartment- for whatever reason, I can really only understand it existing in the work room. So the bottles on top of the vanity in the bathroom aren't my favorite thing, but that's where he wants to keep them, so fine. I really can't stand the piles of junk all over the bookshelf with the radio, but that's where he wants to unload his pockets, so I made a space for his clutter. He takes all of the remotes out, I put them away. Instead of getting mad and complaining that the VCR remote is always on the coffee table even though it's only touched on Thursdays, I put it away because I'm the one that doesn't want so many remotes out. We made an agreement that I would dust and sweep and keep the bedroom, living room and work room clean, and he would manage the kitchen and bathroom. In the time I've vacuumed and kept my area a total of 4 times now, the kitchen and bathroom have been cleaned once. By me. Maybe I'm anal, but I like things the way I like them. And I realize that that's my taste and that just because we love each other doesn't mean we're the exact same person with the same standards. I'm the one that chooses to like things a certain way, and he shouldn't be punished for that. And in the past, rather than deal with this stuff, rather than get upset, I'd just end the relationship. It seems petty because these are such trivial things, but when it's your everyday life, it becomes kind of a big deal. Is it better to be alone and not deal with any of it? But I think the value I get from him- the love and happiness he does give me- are more important that not getting upset about having too many remotes on the coffee table.

So now I realize I need to figure out how to not get upset. How do I control myself and learn not to care when it looks like me like he's taking his unemployment as just an extended vacation, sleeping in, watching movies. He has made a few big accomplishments- the video he edited for ab looked great and he worked really hard on it and I'm really proud of that. He has put a TON of stuff on half.com, which is outrageously tedious and time consuming, and by selling that stuff, he's not only making a bit of money, he's clearing up much needed space in the apartment, which I totally appreciate. He's been trying to get a lot of exercise in, which I'm really proud of. There is so much I do love and appreciate and adore, and I don't tell him enough.

I feel myself turning into my own mother all the time- my entire life, nothing was good enough for her. She was constantly criticizing my every move and it drove me insane. And now I'm doing it to him and it's really not fair.

The One Thing Dr. G Could Not Teach Me

2007-08-24T12:59:00.000-04:00

I know what I need to figure out in order to start to fix myself, but I am really at a loss for where to even begin. Dr. Glicksman told me at pretty much every session that what I really needed to learn was to like myself. To have some self-esteem and see myself as a person of worth. I know it's completely ridiculous, and I can speculate and point fingers as to how I got this way (my mother didn't love me enough or whatever), but what do I do now that I see it? I'm not convinced that I am a valuable person and I recognize that I rely on other people telling me I am to feel any sort of worth at all and that is completely unhealthy. How do other people decide they are valuable and like themselves?

The Hardest Part

2007-08-24T09:41:00.000-04:00

The biggest Catch 22 with the depression and anxiety is the feeling of complete worthlessness. I feel so unimportant, undesirable, and completely lacking in any value to anyone. And now I've become so dependent on Chris for feeling valuable, but he gets so drained by all of my moping and negativity that he doesn't want to be around me or touch me, and I don't blame him. I would react the same way. This morning I went into the bathroom just to give him a little kiss on the cheek and he said, "Oh here she is, begging for affection time". I feel like a huge burden on him. The one thing that could make me feel better is for him to want to spend time with me and want to be affectionate with me, but my needing and depending on it so much is pushing him away. I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it. I know the only solution is for me to learn to feel ok on my own, like I was before him. And I know I can get there again, I just hope he has the patience to wait for me.

I think the thing that's making me stuck this time around is the conflicted feeling I'm having about each of us choosing to be together. I feel like everything you do in life is a choice, and to be happy, you have to be comfortable and sure of your choices. I've chosen a life with Chris and am completely happy and confident about him. I know he's here and he's in this life together too, I think the discrepancy is that I don't think he knew what he was really in for and now he might be regretting his choice or feeling disappointed that he got short changed or cheated in some way. I want more than anything for me to get better so that we can work out, I just hope that he's ready and willing to be supportive while I work on it and to be strong and patient. It's a lot to ask for and he has no obligation to do this for me, but in my choosing him, I guess I'd assumed he chose me as well, which means choosing to be all of those things.

Really, I just don't know what I'm doing. I've always chosen to be alone rather than deal with being in a relationship as it is so complicated and hard, and now I don't know how to be in a relationship and be fair to the other person.

Anyway, this is rambling. There's so much muck in my head and I can't get it clear and I don't know what to do...

Let Your Imagination Run Away

2007-08-21T22:46:00.000-04:00

I have an anxiety disorder, which are commonly linked to depression. My case is not severe- it's actually relatively manageable. I've never been on medication for it, though I had a short stint with counseling, which was all in all pretty ineffective as you have to be willing to open up and talk fluidly with a counselor, which I was not. My disorder comes and goes in waves. When it's high tide, I'm completely out of control of myself. Insecurity hits and completely takes over and I feel lost and unsafe. I feel completely insignificant and worthless. I become irrational, paranoid, and unreasonable. I get easily angered (enraged, really) and demanding of those closest to me. The worst is that I feel completely swallowed by it- broken, irreparable, and discard-able.

When it wanes, I realize how insane I've been and usually come out embarrassed and facing much damage control in my relationships. I've said things I don't actually mean but that were prompted from me feeling things that were founded in nothing. I'm lucky that most of the people closest to me have outstanding volumes of patience and understanding for me, and that they are willing to wait for me while I try to overcome this glitch in my brain.

I had dinner tonight with Flynn. While I've felt for a long time that we've become estranged, the moment I told her I wasn't right and needed her, she was right at my side. I hope she knows that it's reciprocal and if she needs me, I'll drop everything for her. I feel ashamed to think she didn't value our friendship, attribute it mostly to the insecurities that swell up, and mark it on my list of things to work on about myself.

It Feels Like the End is Inevitable

2007-08-18T15:58:00.000-04:00

It's happening again and this time it only took 6 months. Chris looks at me and talks to me with what seems like the same exact feeling of distance and near disdain that Mikey did just before he gave up on me completely. His complaints and comments about my behavior are exactly the same, and his desperation to get away from me parallel as well. The stiffness and rigidity of his body language speaks volumes, so even though he says he's still trying and still loves me and still likes me, I'm hearing otherwise. I've suffocated him and wilted away any joy he might have viewed me with just simply by being me. I've managed to drive another one away. And this was probably the best one I could have ever found.

I know I need to start going to counseling again, but I don't have mental health coverage and can't afford it otherwise. The anxiety and depression is getting to be too much to deal with not just for myself, but for the person closest to me. I'm once again finding myself fantasizing about either falling in front of trains or packing a bag and not telling anyone where I've disappeared to. I know running away from things won't fix them, but it's easier than dealing with the disappointment I've caused myself. I miss his exuberance for me. I miss his warmth and tenderness. I miss his urgency about spending time with me- making me feel important and desirable. And I know that I extinguished that spark with my unreasonable demands and expectations. I know that my inability to just simply be in a good mood has drained everything out of him so that he can't even sleep next to me comfortably. I know it's completely my fault and I know I need to stop making it worse, but I don't know how. And his reactions to me- which are completely sound and understandable- only make me feel worse and more desperate, which compounds the situation.

I feel like I'm just waiting for him to give up and leave me. From the first day I warned him that I was crazy and that he would change his mind about me and here I've gone and forced it to happen. And I'm completely devastated and heartbroken and it's my own fault.

Poop in a cup

2007-05-25T19:42:00.000-04:00

So now that things are fully out of control, my doctor is making me poop in a cup for 3 days. As if I don't have enough stressing me out. The GAD is pretty high level right now and I'm feeling like a panic attack is due at any moment. Dr. Landes said there's probably no direct correlation between the anxiety problems to the gastro problems, but that symptoms can be worsened with heightened stress. So from the store to the living situation to the drama between all my friends, I just feel so exhausted and want to curl in a ball somewhere and hide until it all goes aways. Especially the gastro problems.

Kate and Matt are back and they're moving in with Jesse. Not the best idea, but it's happening. And I get to hear all the gossip and I really don't want any part of it. Some of my closest friends are being shattered and smeared and I refuse be involved. I don't know what's true and what's not, but either way, friends of mine are being careless and someone is going to end up really hurt and I can't be around it at all. It stresses me out so badly.

The store closes one month from yesterday. There's still so much to clear out and to get rid of, so much planning to do. I just wish everything could get settled now so that I don't have to worry about figuring things out last minute. Not that I can't handle that, but I'd rather avoid it if at all possible. It's terrifying to think I'm going to be unemployed on purpose. To think that I'm going to go on unemployment and ask to borrow money from a bank and possibly put myself into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt on what right now feels like a whim. But it's a chance I have to take. I have to find out if I can do it.

Things with Flynn have gotten no better. She's farther away than ever before and our friendship feels like an acquaintanceship. I've spoken up so many times about it I don't have any words left to say about it. And I keep hearing how she's so busy and just has too much going on, but I can't help but feel like it's still just us that's left neglected. That she still has time for other friends and just chooses to let our friendship fall to the wayside. I can't make her be my friend and I don't know what else to try.

My Heart Won't Heal Right if You Keep Tearing Out The Sutures.

2007-04-10T18:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like the most oblivious person ever. But sometimes it's due to the way I choose to interpret things, I suppose. I always give the benefit of the doubt, assuming that if something is actually wrong, whoever it's wrong with will speak up and clue me in. I assume that if it's a friend, our friendship means enough on both ends that if something is off, my friend will come to me so we can resolve the issue. That's the way I treat friendships- if something is bothering me about the way interaction is flowing with a friend, I have no problem confronting them about it. The only time I really bottle up is when I know my ill feelings toward someone are the result of my anxiety disorder peaking and my reacting to them isn't fair and isn't actually reactions to anything they're doing or saying, it's just me being irritable because of the disorder with my brain. It's at that time that I tend to sort of drop off the face of the earth until the anxiety subsides. I guess I assume too much that people deal with things the same way that I do- if I know the problem is with me, I'm not going to try to pick fights with someone over it. But if the problem is with someone else, I will confront them because I want it resolved so we can move past the bad feelings and get back to living our amazing lives together.
I always thought I was decent at having an intuition for when something was off with someone and being able to stop and ask if everything is ok with them. Being an anti-drama queen, I don't really push it. If I ask, and they say everything is fine, I chose to believe them and let it go. I'm not psychic and I can't read minds, so if no one is going to say what's wrong with them, I'll never figure it out. And I understand that I can never know every circumstance behind every action, so there's no way I'm going to try. Especially in my personal life. I have to do more than a reasonable amount of detective work in my professional life and it leaves me too exhausted to have to work so hard in any other avenue of my life.
And I've always had this conviction about relationships, though it's been used more when looking at romantic relationships than friendships, generally, although it works for both. Relationships do take work, but the work is easy. It shouldn't be a huge, draining pain in the ass to make a relationship balanced. If it doesn't work out naturally for both people, it's just plain not meant to be. The work put into a relationship should be more that both people are willing to make equal efforts. But it should never feel forced or unbalanced. One should never be relied on more than the other to create a flow between the two people. When it's lopsided like that, I really think it comes down to the person putting in less values the relationship less. Which is fine. Not every relationship is meant to be a deep connection. Some people are meant to be your party friends. Or your business friends. Or your pen pals, or your networking friends, or your karaoke friends, or your dinner date friends. Not every friend is meant to be your best friend. If you both really want it to work out that way, it will. If you both value each other equally, it will balance out naturally.
Anyway. Ranting about things doesn't really get us anywhere but more frustrated, so I think I'll go cash out now.

I Won't Let Your Moods Ruin Everything

2007-01-30T21:43:00.000-05:00

So I have been making myself a little crazy this week over a boy. It's pretty lame, and it's what I hate most of all the things I do ever. I hate feeling disappointed more than anything. It's the one thing that I really can't deal with. And it's usually my own fault- I build up my hopes about things and when they don't turn out the way I want, I get shattered. Not that I'm shattered by this boy- it was never anything serious. Just hanging out a little. But that's why I avoid doing anything that depends on anyone else. And that's why this being in a band thing is a huge deal for me. I am depending on 3 other people way more than I am really at all comfortable with. And so far, it's surpassing anything I could have ever hoped for. It's amazing.

Here's what I wish I could tell him...

2006-12-29T22:07:00.000-05:00

every time he says to me, "You could have called me too, you know." But considering he's moved away to start over, and with everything he's said about relationships and dating and being worried about starting something at all, I think it's best left alone.

But I have to get it out, so I will let it out here.

I remember that first show I went to with Sarah. She wanted me to meet Jim and see his band. I met all the girlfriends and the rest of the band and I thought you guys were great. A few days later, Sarah tells me that Jim said Paul was asking about me. I assumed you were just being funny because your girlfriend was also half Japanese. And I didn't think much of it because at the time I had a boyfriend, and I have pretty bad peripheral life vision on top of the fact that I never notice boys at all anyway. We saw each other at your shows for the next 6 months or year or however long it was. I didn't really ever get to talk to you much, which was always disappointing because you seemed like such a cool, down to earth and fun guy. I didn't really get to know any of you guys aside from Jim. And then we all went out in that huge group for St. Patrick's Day. Something about you hit me that day. And I found it hilarious that you were more interested in finding out as much as you could about Mikey and talked to him more than you had ever talked to me in the year or so we had known each other. About a month later, Mikey and I broke up. Next came your last show with the Drapes. I remember thinking how I would love to actually someday get to know you better, but figured it wasn't happening then as it was sort of your party and everyone would be fighting for your attention and the rumor was that you were quitting the band and moving out of the house to go out to California. A few months later, we all went to see Nina and Damien's band play at Cakeshop, and I remember Flynn and Sarah teasing me because you were supposed to show up. Which you did, and spent the entire time at the bar with a really adorable girl. That was sort of my red light/ "stop what you're thinking, he's totally not into you" sign. So ok, I give up pretty easily. Shortly after, I saw you again at the Drapes first official show with Drew. It was at that venue that I really hate on 1st ave or whatever- the live room is downstairs and always smells like a port-a-potty. You were filming and flirting relentlessly, and my shyness was gone and I was my usual outgoing, charming self because I figured you weren't into me. Sarah and I left to go to karaoke after their set and gave me so much shit for not yanking you into the bathroom right then to make out. But I think that's the night you guys all crawled over to Pianos for about 10 minutes. You didn't say hello or goodbye, so I figured it was still a lost cause. I managed to go to a few Drapes/Drew solo shows/other various Woodside household functions, but never saw you. Never managed to be at the same place at the same time, but always minimally hoping you'd show up. In February, Jim and I were hanging out at Fat Baby for a party Guy and Cheyo were throwing and he was texting you, trying to get you to come out. I told him to say hi from me, and you responded with some pretty funny remarks. Hope revived slightly. March came and we all went out for Jim's birthday. At Winnie's, you seemed either plowed over with shyness, or completely turned off. I couldn't read you at all. But you were so amazing, helping out when Flynn wasn't feeling well. You still didn't talk to me- I remember thinking about how chatty you were with Mikey and how you could still barely say 5 words to me that weren't about finding Flynn a cab. But then we headed out, and you insisted on carrying me for the 304958304 blocks until we finally found cabs. We shared a cab home, and as you were getting out, I was dying to ask if you wanted to hang out sometime. But I hesitated because of how you seemed at Winnies.
It took 9 months to see you again. Video games and chili at my house. And we both know how it went from there.

So that's why I never tried to call you. And that's why I get nervous and seem like I can talk to everyone else with more ease than I can with you. And that's why I'm sad that our timing is so ridiculously horrid.

It's Almost Christmas

2006-12-23T12:41:00.000-05:00

Mike left yesterday around 6 and I found myself all alone in the store, listening to Stina Nordenstam sing Purple Rain in the most painfully beautiful kind of way, and I was starting to feel terribly depressed. This is the first year I'm not going home for Christmas, and it's very surreal how empty the city has gotten. It's much worse than Thanksgiving. It's eerie and lonely. I think the combination of this boy I've had interest in for years who finally called me 4 days before he moved away plus all of my friends fleeing for the holidays with my own not being able to flee is just too much for me to handle. I am having this irrational fear that JLew's words are going to come true and I'm going to end up homeless, wrapping Christmas gifts in my car parked on some desolate block somewhere, trying to get a job as a holiday extra at a mall somewhere.

Peyton always says: People always leave.

The Workers Are Going Home

2006-11-09T20:12:00.000-05:00

I know I'm appreciated. I know there are some out there who recognize all that I do and give me credit. But some days I just feel so taken advantage of and underestimated.

I am doing a lot of work for Fall Collection. Every day that I'm not at Cath, I'm working on books. I take a little time on my 2 days off a week to run errands, clean my apartment, read or knit or watch a tiny little bit of TV. I really only go out Monday nights and Thursday nights. And somehow, I'm the one seen as JUST working 10-8 at the store and doing what with the rest of my time? Playing? Everyone else talks about how they're over-worked and never have any time off. I know I've blogged about it before and I know I complain about it, but I still feel like nobody really believes that I am working really hard here. And it's not that I want kudos or grovelling or anything- I just want to stop getting dismissed. I feel like I'm looked at as some completely arbitrary loafer in society who is completely incapable. And that I'm not contributing much beyond what's minimally necessary. And everyone complains about everything they're always doing. Well guess what- we're ALL doing that much. We're ALL working to exhaustion. We're ALL sacrificing fun and sleep and anything else that promotes a healthy lifestyle to all of these causes we believe in so strongly.

Whatever. I know I work hard and do quality work and fuckall if nobody else recognizes it.

They'll know it when I'm dead.

I've tried a thousand times

2006-10-18T02:14:00.000-04:00

And I've waited and I've been patient and I've clung to the benefit of the doubt and in the end, I've always been served short and I've always been taken for granted.

So I'm over it. I quit.

If I never meant enough in the first place, then I guess I just don't care enough in return.

Just one little thing

2006-10-15T21:06:00.000-04:00

I just want something that's all my own and nobody elses.

2 days off and I've never felt more rested in my life!

2006-09-27T14:27:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my first day off in a really long time and I spent it on me. Shocking concept. I slept in, did laundry, scrubbed my bathroom, watched TV, did a little shopping. And I feel more rested today than I have in FOREVER. I have a lot to do for Fall Collection today, and I know I won't finish. But I can get a big jump on it. And have some mental/emotional rest.

Having my coffee on the roof this morning, I was thinking about the huge pile of give away stuff and how that type writer is still under my bed and how I wonder if Flynn still wants it and how Flynn said I am supposed to write stories in the manner of 33 1/3 but around Flavors instead of musics and I got to thinking about writing about flavors or around flavors or infused with flavors and how to even go about starting to write with coconut lime in mind and how I miss more creative writings and about how good I was in high school and how I was always in honors and AP classes and was always touted as one of the best in my classes and about how once I got to college that all completely disappeared from my life and about how everything I wrote in college was so clinical and dry and about how I haven't written anything very stylish at all and about how much I miss it and about how I am giving myself a homework assignment. I have a blank notebook that I appropriated from Premier and in that notebook, I will execute this self imposed homework assignment. My goal is to, each week, pick a flavor, brainstorm what that flavor invokes in me, and write a story around a flavor. Yes, I know. Cliche. Flavor of the week. But really. I am going to reward myself for getting caught up on TFC by the end of September by giving myself this writing exercise starting in October.

For the last few weeks I was wondering: how long would it take for people to notice if I disappeared one day without warning? Just wondering.

Dear Friends

2006-09-06T10:11:00.000-04:00

Here's what I've said to them already, as gently as possible, but I wish I could say to them in a more frying-pan-over-the-head kind of way. I'm writing it down here just to get it out.

Dear Devon and Liz,

Just stop. Both of you. Stop and grow up and let it go and move on. The rest of us can't take the drama and we will not be forced to take sides. We love you both differently and you need to stop creating conflict in what could be a really fun and supportive group. Devon, joking around about stealing Joel way back when made Liz uncomfortable. So apologize for misjudging her sense of humor and stepping over the line with things like the pancake whipped cream messages and other comments. We know you made them totally in jest, but they hurt Liz’s feelings so you should apologize for that. Stop being so self righteous and stubborn and admit that maybe you shouldn't have said those things and say you're sorry and then let it go. Liz, stop being so insecure. Devon isn't really out to get your boyfriend- she was only joking. Devon wants to be your friend and thought that as friends, she could joke around and you would understand that she meant no actual harm. Stop jumping on her every time you start to feel insecure. Devon really isn't your enemy, so please say you're sorry for taking out your insecurities on her and then let it go. Both of you- stop being so judgmental of each other. Stop acting like catty girls. Start loving each other as friends.

Please. As I've said, we love you both and want to be able to have fun with you, but this has been going on for a while now and has escalated to the point where you're not talking to each other at all and instead complaining about each other to the rest of us on the sidelines. If you guys can't get it together, the rest of us are going to have to act accordingly (i.e. we'll probably all move to Costa Rica) and then you'll both end up feeling worse, I can pretty much guarantee it.

Love you. Mean it. Now get it together.

I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone else

2006-09-05T13:54:00.000-04:00

I remember the last time I saw him. It was his going away party on his roof at 125th and Amsterdam and he was so drunk and stoned and giggly and yet I could see the knowing sadness in his eyes because I had that same knowing sadness and it was pulling my heart through my throat. Saying goodbye that night would probably mean we'd never see each other again in our lives. I knew it and it killed me and there was nothing I could do about it.

We were together less than a year, but went through so much together. He was the first for a lot of things for me and taught me so much about being comfortable with myself. He was the first person to make me feel smart and unique and valuable. He was the first person I ever let myself become completely vulnerable to. He was the first person I loved- the first time I felt anything more significant than infatuation. I lost my virginity to him (about which he recently said, "I only wish we knew what we were doing back then... not that our clumsy fumbling wasn't lots of fun"). Not long after we broke up, his dad was in the accident that ended up taking his life. Tony told me he wanted me there, so despite the uncomfortable hatred I knew I'd be facing from his mom (and also from my friend Missy. Weird situation that sort of made things real sour for a time being after), we went to be with him in the hospital waiting room. Our break up was rough, and we were as utterly in love as you could be at 17. He was the first person I'd ever cared about so deeply and he's the one I always end up comparing everyone else to. And most of the time, they don't hold up. He's probably the reason I think I'll never get married. It's not a "my heart is so broken I never want anyone else" kind of thing. It's more like I have this ideal in my head and it's slightly disfunctional and I realize that it's probably not all that ideal at all really for making a go at something life-long, and I don't think I could handle a life-long commitment anyway.

He's shaped me more than he will ever know and sometimes it's tremendously hard to be so far away from him. I realize that I probably rarely cross his mind and that's ok. But I do miss him terribly and wish he still lived here so we could sit around all night watching Bollywood movies, narating them ourselves until we're delirious at 5 in the morning. I wanted to kiss him so badly that night but I was too scared, given our history. We were finally friends again, after having no contact for 6 years, and I knew he would be leaving NY when he finished school and I wanted to be able to have my good friend as well as I could while I could. But every once in a while, I wonder if I should have just done it and I start to regret holding back.

Sometimes I think I've always been in love with him and that I forever will be.

Can Anybody Out There Hear Me?

2006-08-28T13:08:00.000-04:00

Because I can't seem to hear myself...

So Flynn and I went to Long Beach over the weekend and I'm freaking out that I totally have coxsackie now, which would only really suck if I was contageous. Because I'm super busy (I have 3 jobs now guys! That's where I've been if you haven't heard from me recently... it's not that I don't love you, I just barely have time to eat or sleep anymore) and because I don't want to get people like Flynn or Kate sick. They especially can't afford getting ill right now. My sinuses went nuts last week during the 9.5 allergen rating blah blah whatever, and I am all clogged up. So I'm sick, hopped up on tons of pseudoephedrines, hard of hearing, having trouble breathing, and suffering major sleep deprivation. But it's fun. Job #3 is cutest, most exciting in a promising-life-goal kind of way. Job #2 is hardest but most challenging and I'm learning a ton. Job #1 feeds me.

I took a break from life last night and just watched about 6 hours straight of Six Feet Under. Becoming Emily Previn has always been my biggest fear in life, but I've never really known how to talk about it. I told Chris once about being scared of becoming invisible and I think he thought I was crazy. But I could so easily see myself turning into her, and I don't like it. "I think the thing you said was true- I'm going to die alone and sad"...

Lean a little bit closer see cause roses really smell like poo poo poo poo

2006-08-25T17:00:00.000-04:00

I think I need to start seeing a therapist again. Everything I started to work on and learn from Dr. G has already melted away and I feel crazy and insecure and self-doubting all over again. I think it comes from becoming part of a close group of girl friends at the same time as ceasing my sessions. Girls are so competitive and it just causes this drive to have to defend and promote myself constantly, which makes me second guess my self worth in the first place. I'm like going insane here.

Just some random thoughts:

-I don't want to knit scarves for people I don't know so that my friend can seem impressive to a bunch of e-strangers that she flirts with on the internet.

-I wish I had more time for myself for things like reading and sleeping and making my own knits and jewelry and for writing letters.

-There are certain people in my life that I constantly give the benefit of the doubt and consistently end up feeling taken for granted or taken advantage of and I usually just wish they would disappear from my life without me having to say, "Get out my life".

-Kim has gotten me hooked on bubble gum.

-I wish I was going to see Justin Timberlake next week.

2006-08-01T11:36:00.000-04:00

listless
One entry found for listless.
Main Entry: list·less
Pronunciation: 'list-l&s
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English listles, from 2list: characterized by lack of interest, energy, or spirit (a listless melancholy attitude)
synonym see LANGUID - list·less·ly adverb - list·less·ness noun

Lover, You Should Have Come Over

2006-07-28T09:42:00.000-04:00

As far as I'm concerned, this is the most perfect song ever created.

Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water

And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know
When I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it

Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage hes done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you should've come over
cause its not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, shes the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong
Oh... lover, you should've come over
cause its not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you shouldve come over
Oh, love well I'm waiting for you
Lover, you should've come over
cause it's not too late

-Jeff Buckley

What's the Point!?

2006-07-14T13:58:00.000-04:00

In a city with about 4 million men, why can't I find a single one who sparks my interest enough for me to have butterflies!?

Krista called me a-sexual yesterday. I almost cried. Am I too picky or is the selection really just that bad?

hmph.

You're like the Mexican Ramones or Something

2006-07-12T11:01:00.000-04:00

I think I'm insane.

1. I'll never be satisfied with anything ever. And this unable-to-be-satiated-ness has left me lacking desire altogether lately. Which leaves me feeling completely void and null. And insane.

2. In other news, I'm totally anxious in a vomitous way about going to CA. I hate trying to schedule time too see everyone I've known from the ages of 0-22. Going to CA makes me insane.

While I watch the ocean

2006-07-03T09:08:00.000-04:00

It was already impossibly humid when I left the apartment this morning. By the time I got on the train, I was a mess of sweat and static and greasy stickiness. Sometimes, the hardest thing to deal with living on this coast is the weather. Usually, though, that's the only difficult thing to deal with, thankfully.

That feeling of invisibility is overwhelming sometimes, though I'm so accustomed to it, I usually just let it go. But every once in a while, it really hits me hard. When everything I've said or every idea I've had is credited to anyone else, or my mere presence is forgotten when an event is reminisced, it bruises my heart just a little. But I never say anything. I never try to take the credit back. I never fight to be remembered. I gave up on doing that over a decade ago. Sometimes I wonder if I was actually there at all- if I fabricated the memories of being there or saying something altogether, because I always seem to be the only one who remembers it with myself included.

Going to Pennsylvania this weekend was a much needed getaway. The weather was perfect and being in a home with home cooked food and family, laughing and just relaxing... it actually made me tremendously homesick. It reminded me of summers in Hayward, hanging out with the Bronco's crew, sneaking into the pools of apartment complexes in the summer at night, breaking into the high schools to run around the football fields, hopping fences to get into Lone Tree cemetary to play truth or dare among the mosoleums, hiking around in the hills, crossing streams of ice cold water. The only thing different that I wish we'd had back then were the fireflies. The magical green sparkling among the trees at night.

I always manage to feel somewhat out of place no matter what group I spend time with, but this time it was minimal at least. I wonder if I'll ever really feel completely comfortable and belonging anywhere. I've never felt more comfortable or at home anywhere more than I do in my life in New York. But even here, I often feel out of place or misunderstood. I still feel slightly frustrated and cumbersome. I still feel alien and uniquely strange. And not in a good way. I've been trying to grow out of the awkwardness. Trying to ignore it. Fake it til you make it. But it's a lot of work and I don't think I'm truly convincing anyone.

One Word Only

2006-06-26T00:24:00.000-04:00

Jesse posted a survey to my attention on the bulletin board. I answered it in my MySpace blog- the fun part was you're only allowed to give one word answers- no explanations.

That's something I want to learn to do in life all the time- stop feeling the need to give explanations. I've been trying to do it, but sometimes I forget. I should get a tattoo on my hand to remind myself.

The Outsiders

2006-06-19T09:50:00.000-04:00

My favorite part- and I think most people's favorite part- is the scene around the Robert Frost poem Nothing Gold Can Stay...

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

And I wasn't too crazy about Tilly's The Freest Man, but for some reason, I've been listening to it on repeat. It's grown on me a lot.

I love when my weekends are full and I get to see lots of different friends and do a wide variety of things around the city. And yet still manage to get a ton of sleep, watch some great movies, cram in lots of reading time, make some art, and talk to Petey. Somehow, I feel like time slows down in the summer, and I can get a lot more packed into my minutes.

I Miss You But I Haven't Met You Yet.

2006-06-12T16:32:00.000-04:00

I don't have a glamorous job that matters. I don't have a fabulous fashion sense. I don't know how to play any instruments. I can't sing. I can't write. I can't act. I can't cook. I can't draw. I can't paint. I can't sculpt. I'm not smart. I'm not funny. I'm not athletic.

I have no redeeming qualities and I'm not good at anything.

I watched The Baxter this weekend. It's another one of those Garden State Eternal Sunshine movies that I hate that I love. False hope movie. Because what happens when you're not even a Baxter? What's a grade below a Baxter?

Family

2006-06-01T11:47:00.000-04:00

Main Entry: 1fam•i•ly
Pronunciation: 'fam-lE, 'fa-m&-
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -lies
Etymology: Middle English familie, from Latin familia household (including servants as well as kin of the householder), from famulus servant
1 : a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head : HOUSEHOLD
2 a : a group of persons of common ancestry : CLAN b : a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock : RACE
3 a : a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation : FELLOWSHIP b : the staff of a high official (as the President)
4 : a group of things related by common characteristics: as a : a closely related series of elements or chemical compounds b : a group of soils that have similar profiles and include one or more series c : a group of related languages descended from a single ancestral language
5 a : the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their own or adopted children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family b : spouse and children
6 a : a group of related plants or animals forming a category ranking above a genus and below an order and usually comprising several to many genera b in livestock breeding (1) : the descendants or line of a particular individual especially of some outstanding female (2) : an identifiable strain within a breed
7 : a set of curves or surfaces whose equations differ only in parameters
8 : a unit of a crime syndicate (as the Mafia) operating within a geographical area

The Elephant House

2006-05-31T09:32:00.000-04:00

Went to Cape Cod for Memorial Day Weekend. I was so looking forward to a nice, quiet, relaxing get-away weekend, which is pretty much exactly what I got. We left pretty early in the morning and cracked ourselves up at our stopping not a quarter mile from the car rental place to get breakfast, then stopping 5 minutes later to get gas. We thought our starting pace was just hilarious. We finally get on the road and hit some traffic through Connecticut, but once we got to about where the outlet malls start, the roads cleared up. Of course that's when we had to make a rest stop. And of course that's when I accidentally bought a new Marc Jacobs tote. But then we hit the road again and flew past so many neat and adorable New England towns- we decided on our way home, we'd stop and explore a little.

We got to Sarah's Granny's house at about 6 pm- just early enough to take a walk through Woods Hole. The downtown is just one little street with some shops, restaurants, art galleries- it reminded me of the wharf in Santa Cruz minus the pelicans and sea lions. The weather was cool and there weren't really many people at all, which surprised me as I thought there would be people going to and from Martha's Vineyard. We ventured out to the private beach where only some of the home owners have rights- I'm not sure exactly how it works, but it was tiny and clean and empty. There's two little foot bridges to get to the beach that go over some frog ponds, and one pond was filled with hundreds of bullfrog tadpoles! The houses around Woods Hole are these amazing beach houses- some remind me so much of homes on West Cliff in Santa Cruz- huge and wooden with huge windows and porches. It's funny to me how nomatter where I go, it could almost be Anytown, USA. East Coast beach towns really aren't so different from West Coast beach towns... there are distinct differences, but the similarities out number them by far.

We got back to Granny's house and had dinner, then sat and talked and I knitted. Sarah's Granny is a fascinating woman. She grew up in Manhattan, right near Hunter College, in an actual house. She was telling us all kinds of stories about being a child in Manhattan and I started to get that thrilling love for New York feeling that just overtakes me entirely. I think Sarah got pretty excited again for New York- something she doesn't feel too often. We talked about going to find Granny's old house. Sarah's grandfather was an oceanographer and moved the family to Baltimore- I'm not sure if he did research at Johns Hopkins or where he was working- when I asked Sarah about it, she said, "He wasn't a doctor so he didn't work at Johns Hopkins. That's a hospital." The bookshelves in the Woods Hole house are filled with old hardcovers from before the fifties- and Granny has some impressives titles. There's so much art and education just pouring out of every crack in that house- it was inspiring and movtivating. Went to bed pretty early as we were exhausted from the drive- but only after sitting and listening to the Spring Peeper frogs for a while.

The next day, we got up and went for a drive out to Edward Gorey's house in Yarmouthport- about an hour drive from Woods Hole. It was a beautiful drive- tree lined with giant colonial houses popping out of the woods. The house is the Elephant House and I was so excited to just be there. I can't describe the feelling. I love Edward Gorey and everything he did and everything he collected- I'll never love someone I'll never be able to meet as much as I adore him.

My Eyes Are So Tired

2006-05-23T09:40:00.000-04:00

There are so many things going on, yet it feels like nothing is moving at all.
My life is pretty good right now, when you look at it from the outside. I've been creating a little more lately. Joe is tattooing me on Thursday. Finally getting Nellie on her bicycle...

My roommate and I get along famously (though we don't see each other a whole lot) and we're going on a road trip to Cape Cod for the weekend. My job is ok- it's not what I want to do with my life but it pays me enough and the work is decently entertaining and most of the people are great. My friends are amazing- every single one of them. From the GCs- who I love and adore and have changed my life forever, to Kim (who is one of my favorites and I really don't get to see enough of her), to Brian with his new bunny, to Brette and her fun boy stories, to Timmy who constantly cracks my shit up and is one of the most down to earth people I've ever known. Petey is amazing and I'm in love with him and he's my soul mate. Taylor is really great and I feel very comfortable with him and so far, I have a lot of fun hanging out with him. I'm surrounded by amazing people who all do amazing things and invite me to be a part of this whole amazing world.

So why am I still so unsettled feeling?

Why am I DUMB!?

2006-05-16T09:13:00.000-04:00

What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously. This so far really nice guy is saying he wants to hang out with me and I should be ecstatic. He's cute, he's nice, he's easy to talk to, he's friends with my friends (and my friends are stellar so you know he can't be half bad), he's driven. And he's into me, so he says. Which is not a common occurance as it is. So I should be jumping through the roof, right? But I'm retarded and totally attached to Lives Across The Country and Would Probably Be The Worst Fit Ever If We Knew Each Other In Person But I'm Still Convinced He's My Soul Mate and so I'm looking and new nice guy thinking, "He doesn't have any tattoos and I don't think he's in a band". Seriously!? Am I in high school still? I have the emotional maturity of a 9th grader. This is ridiculous.

The Coincidences Freak Me Out Some Times

2006-05-15T00:30:00.000-04:00

So I started reading the Dalai Lama book yesterday and of course, as I'm sitting there on the train platform, reading today, I look up and there's a Tibetan Monk standing in front of me. Now, if Tibetan Monks were among those gems of NY that I see daily- like Hasidic Jews and albinos- I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But I never see Tibetan Monks.

Maybe I've got it all wrong

2006-05-13T21:20:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm just a bad friend.
Or a totally valueless person.
Maybe it's that I don't have anything to contribute.
Maybe that's how I manage to fall into the cracks.

But I Held My Tongue

2006-05-12T09:37:00.000-04:00

Here's what I really wanted to say... but there was no need to start a fight.

From: me
Date: May 11, 2006 6:09 PM
Subject: Re: Death by Cuteness.
Reply Reply to all Forward Print Add sender to Contacts list Delete this message Report phishing Show original Message text garbled?

This reminds me of the time when we were all on stage singing and not only did I get pushed to the back where I couldn't see or be seen, I got pushed behind the curtain 3 times, and then Kate had to save me from getting pushed off the side of the stage when you rammed into me and shoved me backwards. pushed off the cc list, pushed off the stage.. whatever. it's all the same, right?

But I didn't figure it was intentional at all so I just dropped it.

- Hide quoted text -
On 5/11/06, Liz wrote:
another "technical difficulty" i guess.

On 5/11/2006 6:03 PM, Devon wrote:
>Why is she always rubbing joel in our face? Yes, we know he's hot blah blah
>blah.
>
>Oh wait, I didn't mean to cc you liz. Sorry.

On 5/11/06 6:02 PM, Liz wrote:
>>i don't think you did. must have been on the e-mail thread where i was
>>"mistakenly" left off. whatever. just an excuse for you all to flirt
>>with joel. i get it. i don't blame you.

On 5/11/2006 6:00 PM, Flynn wrote:
>>>i will be going out after. which you know. and you know where i'll
>>>be going. because i told you. but i'll text you anyway because i
>>>love you.

On 5/11/06, Liz wrote:
i wish i could, but since i was voted off the girl chat island
>>> today, i
>>> went and made other plans.... *sigh* if you feel like including me,
>>> which i would never count on, text me after if you're going out. but,
>>> if i don't hear from you, i'll assume you're all having fun with out
>>> me. again

On 5/11/2006 5:53 PM, Flynn wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>word up i will be there. is kate coming or is she
>>>>>>>> >>> abandoning us
>>>>>>>>>>for kitten?

On 5/11/06, I wrote:
>>>>>>>> that sounds good to me.
>>>>>>>> I may have shot myself in the face by then as my Congressman
>>>> nominated Republican Of The Year Ass Backwards boss is making me
>>>> enormously aggravated today, but I will be there.

On 5/11/06, Devon wrote:
>>>>>>>> Are we meeting at union square cinema at 7 ladies?

It just seems to me like everyone is making such a big stink about their own feelings- throwing tantrums when they feel somehow shafted. But nobody cares about anyone else. Shandi didn't really say anything, but I could see it in her face and hear it in her voice when we talked about the emails that she felt let out. And I feel like I've been working so hard to make sure no one feels badly. I haven't exactly been feeling the most warmly welcomed myself, but I've been trying to brush that off as it is so difficult when you have such a large and unwieldy group. It just makes me a little turned off when we, as a whole, can be so inconsiderate to anyone and everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves, we're the center of the universe and everyone else is the bad guy.

I don't know. I know I'm being too hard on her and insensitive and I know she was really upset about being left off the list yesterday, and I do love her to death and only want her to be happy. But it wasn't intentional and everyone apologized and yet we're still being burned at the stake for it.

I was talking to Flynn about it yesterday and I mentioned how Jesse sent emails to me about how upset he was about not getting shirts. This poor guy is always feeling shafted (and in all honesty, he's not without reason. He does get shafted more than is really excusable) and I felt awful that he didn't know what was going on Monday night with the water fight and that when shirts were distributed, he was overlooked. And he let me know in about 3 emails how he felt. But after I explained and tried to tell him that it was totally by accident, he calmed down. Of course Flynn makes it sound like he over reacts and is hypersensitive about everything. And maybe he is. But what's the difference between the way Liz was acting yesterday- with her incessant stabs at us hating and neglecting her after our apologizing and making tireless efforts to make sure she wasn't dropped from the list again- and his calling out our slip yet again? How is it ok and excusable for her to have a tantrum if it's absurd for him to behave the way he did?

All in all, it's way too much drama and as much as I really love the group and want to be a part of the magic, I don't like the drama and the egg shells. It takes the fun out of it.

It's Been A While

2006-05-11T09:50:00.000-04:00

Friendships are strange creatures. The way people come in and out of our lives, the way you can grow together or apart at such lightening speeds without even noticing any kind of shifts until the friendships have transformed so completely that you don't even recognize them anymore. Some of the shifts and changes I can look back on and see that they were my doing, but some I am so overwhelmed by, I don't know how to handle.

In the end, it all just brings back all those feelings that landed me in New York in the first place. I'm really bad at relationships and dealing with people- and not just negative situations either, I often can't handle positive, close relationships either- so I end up shutting down and running from them. Not to say I'm socially awkward or anything- I make new friends easily and get along with basically everyone. It's when the emotions start to run deeper that I choke. It's when there's more invested and I can see that my own actions effect other people's feelings or when I take so much stock in the other person that my own feelings are effected by them. I don't like for people I care about to be upset, and some how I take the things that people I care about say and do very personally. It's ironic that these overwhelming feelings are starting to boil up right when my therapist decides to fire me, isn't it? I think I might choke on my own tongue soon.

I know where this anxiety is coming from, but do I have the courage and strength to follow through with how Dr. G told me to deal with it?

My suggested reading list from him:
The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama
Reinventing Your Life, Jeffrey Young

Really Just Some Notes So I Won't Forget

2006-04-24T09:26:00.000-04:00

Friday night- nachos, cracker jacks, insulting neighbors, bowling, TINA!, bowls. Hysterical and amazing and I miss it and I hope it becomes more regular.
Saturday- slept til 4pm. Lovely and heartgripping sincerity from Shandi. Petey's hysterical turtle antics!, Keifer and Michael Douglas, chicken burritos all over Hoyt due to a raging migraine.
Sunday- slept til noon. Hid from the world. Made 4 pairs of earrings, a complicated necklace, and started knitting a bag. Space cowboys! Talked to 2.5 people only. Best day ever, but I miss my roommate!

All in all, a good weekend.
And I have the best BFF of life ever: "and I HAVE GUM!!!"

Last week:
EC: "I want to meet your new BFF!"
Me: "So do I!"

May All Your Days Be Gold My Child

2006-04-21T09:26:00.000-04:00

Sarah got into NYU for her Education Masters- I'm very excited for her. She's not so excited. She was so set on moving back to California, and if she goes to school here, she feels she's trapped here for another 3-4 years. I told her it's not like she has to finish at NYU. Maybe she can transfer if she really hates it? But maybe NY will be a totally different (and more enjoyable) experience for her. She's not sure what to do about John- she keeps thinking that if she didn't have the stress of her job, maybe she would be more into the relationship. I'm happy that she's finally going to get out of corporate retail. I'm happy that she's finally doing something that makes her feel like she's growing and moving toward "starting her life", as she keeps putting it.

All of this is, of course, making me wonder when I'll "start my life". And what life do I want to start? I'm stressing out about it all again. I'll start this FIT class in May. Hopefully, I'll really learn something and gain some inspiration and motivation. I need to start actually scheduling time to make things. Like, in my calendar. Because when I don't, I never get around to doing it. I hate being a schedule person, but I think until I get back in the habit of doing it, this is what it's going to take.

In other aspects of life, I go through cycles when it comes to boys. And the transition is so drastic and jarring. Lately, I want a boy to like me that I like back. I want someone to spend time with who looks at me in that way. Who wants to hold my hand. Who is fun to be around. Not that I necessarily need it- I'm not incomplete without it. But I'm craving that again. Sometimes, the idea of dedicating any of my time to a boy just seems so unappealing and aggravating. And being in a relationship seems so ridiculous. And like a complete hassle. But then I'll have these moments where I just want that feeling of being cared about. I don't know. Maybe it's just hormones.

I've been listening to lots of sparklehorse again lately...
keep all your crows away
hold skinny wolves at bay
in silver piles of smiles
may all your days be gold my child

Are you FOR SERIOUS!?

2006-04-19T16:08:00.000-04:00

It's like goddamn Jenny Lewis all over again!
You've got to be fucking kidding me!!!

Her Hips Don't Lie (but they make me want to vomit)

2006-04-18T10:04:00.000-04:00

Seriously, lay off the Shakira. 9:02am. 10:02am. Yeserday, it went from every hour, to every 1.5 hours, to then every 2 hours. Thanks for letting up by the end of the day, but I really don't need to hear it 6 times a day. I never thought it was a good song to begin with.

But the real point of today is that I feel things shifting again. I don't understand why the half-life of my life is so short, but for the first time in 3.5 years, I'm feeling it again. I feel like things just got really good, but it will be time to go soon. And this time, I can see it too. The time will be coming soon. I just don't know where it will lead me yet. I always thought I'd just keep moving East until it brought me back out West, but now I don't know if I can handle the restarting so many times. I think I stayed here too long. It's funny- Dan's road trip was like a very fast paced and short lived version of how I thought I'd live my life. Like, I was taking his road trip but in bigger steps and at a much slower pace. What is it about NY that makes people throw in the towel on their plans???

2006-04-15T22:11:00.000-04:00

The waxing and waning of relationships baffle me.
Just when I start to think I'm starting to really understand people, they pull the pillowcase over my head and beat me with a steel pipe.

I've got a mouth full of cookies

2006-04-13T11:15:00.000-04:00

There's seems to be this theme lately. Or maybe it's more like a common trend. I feel like even the most amazingly humble, generous, and down to earth people are getting stung with the wicked narcissism bug. And it's really bumming me out.

Now I know narcissism isn't interchangeable with selfishness, but they are correlated in a way. I'm all about being selfish. I believe that yes, you may have supportive people in your life and the world isn't such a cut throat place, but ultimately, it is all up to you. You have to do what's best for you, because no one else will always put you first. But there's a limit to this being selfish dogma that I believe in. If it will directly hurt or in any way negatively impact or affect someone else, is it really the best thing to do? Or if making the smallest sacrifice every once in while would give someone else some kind of great joy, isn't it worth putting someone else ahead for once? Why not make that sacrifice? So recently, I've noticed that so many people in my life have gotten to where they value other people based on what they can do for them. How they can improve their image or status or how they can get them ahead. This is the phoney and superficial attitude I fled from when I left California. NY was supposed to be better than that. Where people like people because they're interesting, not because they will help increase their popularity or help bulk their myspace friends list with pretty faces and impressive network groups.

And it makes me wonder what kind of empty existence that leads to. There's a few people in my life that I've come to realize are like this and I wonder if they have any real friends. Any substantial relationships. People must transition through their lives quicker than the turnover rate at McDonalds.
And of course it seems to me like a vicious cycle. They learn that people leave and start to believe more and more that they can only rely on themselves and become detached and careless of others. And others come to see them as selfish assholes who only care about themselves and don't stick around.

It's weird too. I have recently stopped feeling let down by people. Or at least have started to feel it less. Or rather, I've come to realize that it's inevitable and most people in your life will only let you down because we expect things of them that are unfair. And you can only feel let by someone when they don't meet your expectations, and so I just have to stop expecting things from other people. I think my sessions with Dr. G have really helped me to go beyond just being selfish and learning to actually be supportive of myself. And a result of this has been that I've been feeling much more content with everything, much less lonely and disappointed. The lonliness I was feeling a short while ago, was, I think, more of a disruption of my normal routine and therefore a missing for the people I've come to surround myself with. I wasn't exactly lonely, I just missed hanging out with my friends. There's also been some recent distancing between some of my closest friends and I and I'm not sure where it came from- if it's me or them. But it sucks and I've thought about it and dwelled on it and the conclusion that I've come to is that it's just a phase and it will pass. It's happened before. Just let it run it's course. I know that I still feel the same caring for them, and as long as I remain true to the friendships, everything will be fine. But if it doesn't turn out just fine- if somehow the friendship dissolves, I kind of feel like maybe that was just the fate of it. That maybe they were meant to be in my life for a certain period of time and that time has passed.

A boy said to me once, "Nothing lasts forever, you know".
And I did know. I knew it better than anything I've ever known before.

Not to say that nothing is lasting whatsoever. Friendships can last a lifetime, but then those lives end. So once again, they can't last forever. Some are meant to last only weeks, some are meant to last years upon years. And in not knowing which version of relationship I'm in, I come to see each day and each encounter as valuable and impacting. And finite. And that's fine by me.

I think this all sounds much more depressed and angry and doomed than I meant it to. I'm actually very content and happy and happy about the people in my life. I'm not saying that I can never count on anyone for anything- I know that I have some amazingly supportive friends that I love and trust. And I can love and support them in return. But it's not a trade. It never should be seen as a two way transaction. And since really knowing and understanding that- since knowing that just because I choose to support and love someone does not guarantee a return on that, I've learned not to expect anything from them, which only leads to no possible end result of disappointment. Do you see?

It's inevitable.

2006-04-09T22:10:00.000-04:00

I used to think all people will always let you down someday in someway.
Now, I'm pretty sure that's almost right.
It's more like 96% of all people.

um

2006-04-07T11:44:00.000-04:00

Seriously.
The beefneck meathead "hipster" phenomenon freaks me out.
Make them stop.

I'm so tired

2006-04-06T09:52:00.000-04:00

I keep not waking up in time. I keep waking up at what would have been the right time a week ago, but now it's an hour late thanks to daylight savings time.
Really, I need to go to bed earlier is what's going on. 4 hours per night is what the say the adult body actually needs- but I think my body isn't an adult yet.

So I have a team in Pianos' Fantasy Baseball League. I hadn't even looked at my team until last night- when I found out I was in last place. BUT here's some players that I have: Manny, Jeff Kent (LAD), Ivan Rodriguez!, Chone!, PEDRO!... seriously, Yahoo did my draft for me and I did alright. So now I'm rearranging who's benched and who's playing... I want Soriano in left field but it won't let me. I thought he played field?? I have Mark Prior (LM's BF) and I want to keep him but he's on DL since March 15... I don't have any Oakland pitchers. I still don't really understand how this works. I have to look at the schedule to see who's playing tonight. And I need to fix my pitching staff.

In other news, I accidentally stalked this guy on the internet and now we're MySpace friends. I think it's hilarious. He has tattoos of cake and ice cream.

I have plans for my next tattoo. How awful is it to copy someone else's custom piece?! I feel like a total asshole, but I'm IN LOVE with it. I'm trying to make variations, but it really feels like when you hear a song that's a total rip off of some old song.. you know? Tacky.

Du hast mich gefragt und ich hab nichts gesagt

2006-04-04T10:39:00.000-04:00

I wish Rammstein was on tour in the US this year. All I want to do this summer is go home and take my brother to 1) a home A's game, 2) to get tattoos together, and 3) to a Rammstein show. Is that really too much to ask??

Extra Tiny

2006-04-03T11:57:00.000-04:00

Been feeling strangely lonely lately. I mean, I've been surrounded by people non stop for the last 2 weeks or so, but I haven't felt so disjointed from the people I'm hanging out with in a real long time. I just feel very awkward and ill fitting lately. I don't know why or where it's coming from. Nobody is really doing anything differently. Could be the warming weather- it has the tendency to make me homesick, which always gives me this weird feeling of not belonging anywhere. There's a million things it could be...
Yesterday was like Celebrity Day. Jon Stewart at brunch, some of Shandi's Top Model friends at the bar, Debbie Harry walking down Stanton. Where was Jake!? I haven't seen him in about a year. That makes me sad.
I have been hanging out with Sarah a lot more lately and that's been great. I love when she's happy- she's the best to hang out with. She's starting to seem more like Sarah from College lately and I can't even begin to explain how elated that makes me. It makes me wish Em, Jo, Tanya and Radha would come out here and we could all run around together.

Here's Where I Start Going Crazy Again

2006-03-30T09:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, it started again. I've been so happy for so long, and it came out of nowhere. I reread the Little Prince again, as usually that helps me readjust my perception of the world, but it somehow just made me more sad this time. I am so depressed for humanity! I wish I could tell people that they are only victims if they allow themselves to be. I wish I could tell people that they aren't helpless and not everyone is out to get them and that there are just some things in the world that are unpleasant but that that those aren't the only things in the world and to find things to enjoy. I know, how hypocritical as here I am preaching that people need to stop being sad and I'm being melodramatically depressed for all of humanity, but what I'm saying is there are some people who are just inherently miserable to their core. And it's like they choose to be miserable. They undermine anything and everything and almost want to be victimized so that they can pity themselves. And they never appreciate anything in the world. They never see beauty in things. And that makes me think that humans are ugly creatures.

It All Started with Cats or How I fell in love with Edward Gorey.

2006-03-29T09:19:00.000-05:00

When I was about 8 years old, Renee gave us a huge bags of her daughter's old books. In it was Rumpelstiltskin and TS Eliots Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats, both illustrated by Edward Gorey. That same year in school, Mrs. Ensor taught us all about cats, and we studied everything from why cats have whiskers to the Broadway musical. So finding that book in the bag was so exciting to me. This was the beginning of my infatuation with Edward Gorey. PBS had a series called Mystery! and the opening credits were an animation of Gorey characters. I never watched the show, but had the intro memorized. I thought his illustrations were so beautiful. As I got older, I began collecting all of his books- I now have one anthology (because the Glorious Nosebleed is impossible to find and if you ever do find it, impossible to afford) and about 20 individual books. I have postcard books, bookmarkers, calendars, notebooks- it's become one of those things that people like to collect for me as well. Since Mikey found me The Hapless Child- a book I had wanted for years- I've sort of slowed down. Moving to NY also made it much easier for me to stalk his works- one of the first places I visited upon my arrival was Gotham Bookmart, which is where I found my copy of The Shrinking of Treehorn.

I've always loved his cyclists the most. There are a few that I am considering permanently embellishing my body with.

There's Innocence:

There's the brother and sister on the Epileptic Bicycle:

There's also Nellie from The Willowdale Handcar, riding away on her bicycle.

And I think I should also like a Little Prince, but somewhere more hidden. I've read that book a thousand times- it's the only book I've read more times than all of the JD Salinger's combined. I own it in 3 languages. The themes and ideas in it inadvertently get revisited in my life all the time, usually inspiring me to reread it yet again.

But it's not a character that I'd like to have highly visible because he's a little too popular and cliche. The book means so much to me, I don't want it to be bastardized because he's cute and common. If that makes any sense. He's more important to me than just a cute cartoon. Which is why I will probably never get Kitarou. He was a favorite of mine as a kid, but I'm not much for covering myself in cartoons.

It just occured to me

2006-03-28T16:52:00.000-05:00

Edward Gorey.
I'm going to pour over my books.
That's where my next tattoo will come from.

Duh.

When You Cannot Love With Both Your Hands

2006-03-28T12:11:00.000-05:00

So many things going on in my head right now... Ge was talking about taking classes at FIT when she moves back to NYC. This is something Dr. G. has been telling me to do for a while now. I think it's a sign- they're both G's. So I went to the FIT site and poked around- there's not much info on class schedules/prices online so I requested a catalog, but I did find out that they do have an accessories design program. Shoes, bags and jewelry. That's my jam. And being a NYC resident, I'd get a whopping discount. So we'll see. Plus, being an FIT student, I'd get discounts at many of the fabric stores (MOOD!!!) and other textile stores in this area. I love that I work in the Garment District but don't work in the Garment District. Until I start, though, I have some bags and jewelry ideas floating around in my head that I've sketched and need to sit down and create. Finding the time is the hard part- sacrificing going out to sit around at home and frustrate the crap out of myself trying to make things I'm not exactly trained to do depresses me. Also, I need a web design program (my Dreamweaver registration expired!) and a new camera. I want to revamp the site so that it looks like 4th grade internet class project and more actual design site. I'm getting there.

One of my life dreams was realized last night- singing 99 Luftballons in German at karaoke. In the book, it says, "German Version". It was a lie. I tried to do it in German anyway. This new regular Martika helped me out, but the English has an extra verse so I kinda jumbled everything up. It was still super fun and 2 Austrians came up to me after to say how much they loved it and they were surprised I don't speak German. I fooled the German speaking Austrians! hee hee. We celebrated Melissa's birthday and it was a total blast. BFF busted his pants open dancing and it was the most hilarious shit I've ever seen in my life. He just emailed me to browse through the new Crains and there's a giant picture of him and matt in an article about Mondays being the new Saturdays. It's amazing. They're getting so much press and things are really taking off- funny that they really are going to be a professional karaoke show- touring. Like a band, but not. I love it. I'm so proud, I get all choked up thinking about it.

Erika Ferguson gets in on Thursday. I have to call her. I have to see her! I miss her so much.

I like it

2006-03-27T12:18:00.000-05:00

I realized something yesterday- I have been geniunely very happy lately. As in, I can't remember feeling sad and upset much at all (without reason, anyway). I haven't had that anxiety that brings black tar depression in a while. I like when life is like this.

The Flynn sisters got tattooed yesterday. Gorgeous celtic knots. They match but are varied just a little in color and shading- enough to have the personality of each sister, but still the same enough to have unity. Joe and Ronn from Andromeda did AMAZING jobs. I love that place. I'm jealous- I want to get a next one... just haven't decided what yet. I'm still thinking Kitarou, but we'll see...

Yesterday was Sarah's birthday and it was such a great day- we went for brunch at Yuca (delicious!!!) and then went to the flea market to wander around and did some shopping. I was so excited that Sarah hung out all day and she took tons of photos. Next weekend, she has off so I'm hoping we can get tattoos and play photo shoot. I like when she's happy.

Beth was here for the weekend- I love that girl so much. She's so much fun. She really just wanted to jump in and live my life with me for a few days- she did the NYC tourist thing with her other friends the first half of the week. We had a blast- she's moving to Oakland soon, so I'll get to see her more often.

And lastly- he called last night. Just to say hi and ask what was going on. He told me to eat his oranges that he forgot. He was in Colorado- the drive was kicking his ass. I miss him. But it's this weird happy missing.

You Got Me Off the Sofa- Just Sprang Out of The Air

2006-03-24T09:23:00.000-05:00

I got home last night and found a little note on my computer saying goodbye and thanks. And that I have no idea how much he enjoyed his time in NYC. I hope it's not as concluded as it feels. I'd like it if he came back for another week and a half sometime in the future.

I like spending quiet nights in with friends. Sitting around, watching movies, talking. It's funny because this is the stuff that Sarah so desperately misses from our lives back in Santa Cruz, but she's really not making an effort to make it happen out here. I invite her to come out with me to friends for TV, to brunch, to everything. I invite friends over for TV nights and she gets grumpy that there are people in her home. So it's not really that she misses that kind of lifestyle- I feel like she's sabotaging her life in NY on purpose, and I don't know why.

"your lips taste good like care bears"

2006-03-23T16:09:00.000-05:00

At least it went like this....

cupcakes, hot dogs, dumplings. beautiful guillemots music to match the beautiful views. walking across the brooklyn bridge. singing and dancing our hearts out to exhaustion. making music on a beloved B3 in harlem.

It was fun and beautiful and I'll remember it fondly always.

The Best Things Come From Nowhere

2006-03-23T09:38:00.000-05:00

My daily text message horoscope: "Capricorn: You might find something of a dilemma on your own doorstep today and this throws other plans in disarray." Great. Thanks a lot. I LOVE disarray.

When I got home from work yesterday, I walked in the door and he looks at me and says, "So I think I'm going to drive back to CA. Tomorrow". It kind of knocked the wind out of me. I mean, I didn't expect him to move to NY and we'd fall in love and get married and live happily ever after or anything. But I was having fun and I wasn't done yet. I guess it's not up to me. So naturally, being that I am a girl and all girls are insane, I started to feel the "Well good, I'm over it anyway, go away, would you". I think that was more me being defensive to his leaving so suddenly. He hasn't felt very well for the last 2 days- lots of emotions boxed up in his jumbled up head and heart. And it's been taking a hard toll on him physically. He's been bummed out for the last few days and has barely left the apt. So after this long 3 month road trip, it is probably best for him to head back home and rest for a while- see his friends and family. It was just so abrupt and jarring for me to hear on Monday, "NY IS GREAT! I'll look for a job!" and then by Wednesday, he's announcing his departure. Of course, I feel like I somehow failed if I couldn't convince him that NYC is the only place to live.
I took him to jerk chicken and cupcakes and dancing at kthnxbye. I told him if it was his last night in New York, we'd stop the moping and go out and have some fun. So then OF COURSE when we get home he says, "I had a lot of fun. Maybe I could stay a few more days. What am I hurrying back for?"
I told him (as much as I- but I didn't say this part- really don't want him to leave) that he should stick with his decision and stop making himself crazy. He's always ALWAYS welcome in NYC and he knows he can come back any time. But he finally decided on something to do and it started to make him feel a little better, so he should just do that. I told him to go home and take his grandpa out to lunch like he hasn't been able to do in so long and he used to love to do.
Have a safe trip home, Dan. Thanks for stopping by. I had a lot of fun. And I'm glad you liked the pistachio cupcakes and my new favorite band.

Edited to add: I just remembered something. That tarot reading I had a few months back- she said that in March, either I'd meet someone new or some relationship with a friend I already have would change. She was convinced I'd be in a real relationship, but I told her that wasn't likely. So she settled on, "Well, you'll have something in March." She also said, "But be careful in April." She went on and on about how fertile I'll be in April. So no sex next month for this girl. Haha.

It's Hard To Think About Anything But To Breathe

2006-03-22T09:30:00.000-05:00

So after a rough day at work, I got home and he had dinner made. It was perfect. I guess he had been freaking out all day, mulling and tearing his hair out about whether or not he actually wanted to try to make a life in New York. I didn't know how to comfort or calm him down. I'm totally useless when it comes to that. You'd think that a lifetime sufferer of chronic panic disorder would be an expert on dealing with anxiety.
And then I got really sad. I didn't realize how excited I was at the idea of him staying until it wasn't an idea anymore. I got so disappointed that he'll be leaving at the end of the week, my throat clenched up. I realized I don't want him to leave, but I don't exactly know what I would want to happen if he did stay. I think I just don't want him to leave yet. But I couldn't say that to him- I didn't want to add to his anxiety about not knowing what he wants to do next. I don't know if the idea of a non-relationship girl suddenly finding herself attached would stress him out more and make him flighty-er, or if he would be into it and then feel like it was something holding him to NY and not letting him continue on his adventure all over the world? So I kept my mouth shut.
In the car on the way home from the movies, Fruit Bats When You Love Somebody came on. He had this playlist of really great songs and that one- one of my favorite songs ever- came on and we both sang along and I almost cried.
I don't want him to go. Or if he does go, I hope he comes back.

I just bit my lip real hard and now it's bleeding.

2006-03-21T09:45:00.000-05:00

So what happens when your perfect non boyfriend decides he might want to move to your city?

Here's the thing- we started out friends. It was great and it was no committment and no obligation, with an expiration date in sight. It was fun and fast and perfect. And he now thinks he might want to move to New York City and last night I thought that was a fantastic idea. But this morning I woke up with my concerns. Would that mean that we would start actually dating? Could we maintain this perfect non relationship without that expiration date? Probably. Knowing both of us, I think it can work out alright without becoming anything too real. Right? I guess the only thing I can do right now is wait to see what happens (and don't forget that I have to just let things happen...)

Don't Be Afraid to Sing

2006-03-20T11:37:00.000-05:00

I do realize that I'm taking the safe way out by avoiding relationships. I realize that I don't want to get involved with anyone in any kind of deep relationship because you make yourself vulnerable to hurt too much. But if that's my choice, is that really such a bad thing? I've done the love thing, I've had my heart broken, I know what that's all about. I've experienced it- do I really need to do it again? What I've really always wanted is just a friend. Someone to make out with sometimes when we're both hungering it, someone to be a good supportive friend when I need it, someone to have fun with when it happens. But someone I know would never do anything to hurt me and someone I won't mind letting go should I need to. Don't ask any questions because you don't need to know the answers. It feels absolutely perfect right now. The way things are working out is great. Why can't this kind of thing exist all the time- not necessarily with this same person. But why can't I find this kind of arrangement ever?

Uh Oh

2006-03-16T11:57:00.000-05:00

So this whole Do What You Want thing has some boundaries, I'm learning. I mean, it's a very empowering thing, but I feel like I have been abusing it lately. Do What You Want as long as it doesn't destroy someone else. But how much can you be responsible for someone else? Mostly, this Do What You Want thing is only getting me in trouble with boys. And maybe I'm not really even getting myself in that much trouble, but things aren't exactly working out as I'd like them to. So far, there are no broken hearts, which is ideal. I can't guarantee that a third party heart won't get injured if word spreads, and that makes me feel like a dirtbag. I've managed to do pretty well with making decisions so that I have very few regrets in my life. Let's not start now.
But who am I kidding?! We all knew this was coming.

I don't want to work, I just want to bang on the drums all day

2006-03-15T10:53:00.000-05:00

So Dan is in NYC. He arrived just as I was getting out of work on Monday. We went down to LES, I introduced him to Shandi and Jasper. We grabbed Rice with Sarah and Seth. He went and met a friend for coffee. I went and saw Guillemots- who were everything and more than I was anticipating! They are seriously amazing and I'm so excited to know about their music. I haven't been this excited for a band since....
Then we all reconvened at Pianos for karaoke. Took yesterday off of work and took Sarah, Dan and Seth across the Triboro into Harlem. Brunch at Kitchenette. Then the boys went their seperate ways and Sarah and I touristed around. Harlem is so neat. Wandered through Columbia and then came downtown. Grocery shopped after shop shopping. Made a delicious dinner of poached Hake and artichokes. Crocheted a flower and watched Miami Ink.
One thing I re-realized about Californian boys- they're so mild tempered and easy going. And easy to please. Always up for any kind of adventure- big or small. I miss that. Hanging out with Seth and Dan has been fun.
I hate having a job. I hate working for other people.

I'm an ADDICT!

2006-03-13T09:31:00.000-05:00

I'm an addict. Clothes and shoes and make up. And junk that I just don't need. I'm addicted to shopping. It's really bad. I know that everyone jokes about how girls are shop-a-holics and have tons of shoes and retail therapy and blah blah blah. But this is a serious condition. I have no self control. I bought practically the entire Luella for Target line yesterday. Do I NEED all these new clothes? No. But I wanted them. I can rationalize it because everything I got (with the exception of the $27 party dress that I'm wearing for Prom), I can wear to work. But I want more. I already know I'm going to stalk her line and get it all. I love it more than anything I've ever gotten from H&M or any of those cheaper trendy shops. And then I bought some stuff at Marc Jacobs. Nothing major, but do I really need another pair of fingerless gloves?
Living in New York is dangerous for my wallet. And my closet. I have no room for any more clothes!

Dan is coming into New York tonight. He's been on the road for about 3 months now. He must have some amazing stories and photos! I'm going to Guillemots with Jasp and then karaoke, so Dan is just going to come find me and hang out and karaoke. I think he'll love it. Then tomorrow, I'm taking the day off to hang out with him and show him around a little so that he can get by on his own for the rest of his stay. Which, by the way, I'm not sure how long will be. If he's here through St. Patrick's Day, maybe he'll want to go to Woodside (i.e. Little Ireland) and drink beers? I wonder what the Woodside boys are up to on Friday? (This is also an excuse to try to hang out with P.R.).

Caught Eagle Seagull again last night. They are so good! And cute. Seriously, those kids are adorable. I hope they do really well. They rock my face off. I've already started telling everyone I know to listen to them.

lalala

2006-03-10T03:08:00.000-05:00

Celebrated Jim's birthday tonight. Flynn disappeared in a hurry and it scared the shit out of me because she was decently drunk. She asked me for a glass of water which I got for her, but then I tried to leave her alone because she had that "the room is spinning and I need to close my eyes and just sit here" look. Then I go to sing my song (we were at karaoke duh) and when I was done, she was just gone. Drew and Rondeau put her in a cab, so that was good. I just wish she would have said she was leaving- I had about 16 little heart attacks before I was told what happened to her.
Rumor has it Rondeau has had a little crush on me pretty much since the first time we met. I like hanging out with him. I want to make out with him. I had fun tonight. We were playing around walking up to catch a cab and he picked me up and carried me for like 3 blocks. Sounds retarded but it was funny. He kept swinging me around. He missed Erik mooning everyone else. If he really does have a crush on me, he should call me.

My dog duties are OVER

2006-03-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

So Chris gets back today. I'm stopping by Pianos to drop off his keys with Jasper before going to dinner with Brette in her new hood. I really do love Stella, but it's a pain in my ass to go up to the Bronx. It's really cut into my life a lot more than it should have.

In other news, I'm totally obsessed with tattoos now. I've been researching tattoo artists and styles and trying to find good pictures of people's tattoos. I want another one, just not sure where yet. I'm thinking the top of my foot or the name of my neck. I was considering yesterday getting one on the bottom pad of my left palm (like, above the wrist in line with my pinky finger). I've never seen any on anyone's palm before. I wonder if that's just not a good place? You think if people can get them on the inside of the mouths, you can get them anywhere. My new favorite blog is Inked. I was thinking about taking my brother out to Don Ed Hardy's place in SF next time I'm home. Getting one in Sailor Jerry style. A very Classic American tattoo. We'll see.

I have to learn to say no.

2006-03-07T12:54:00.000-05:00

So I've been dogsitting for BFF in the Bronx since last Thursday. Now, it wouldn't be so bad if I could just stay at his place while he was gone, but his apartment is rather gross. Bugs and mice gross. So I just can't stay there. I did for the first few days, but I was just so uncomfortable, it was making me anxious and irritable. So I moved out. Now I'm commuting to the Bronx in the morning before work, and then stopping by before going home at night. It's an extra 2.5 hours per trip. I feel badly because she is such a sweet and wonderful, funny little dog. But this is torture on my body and even more so on my already unstable mood. Dr. G made me feel a lot better about how irrationally angry I was feeling. Which helped me feel less angry in the end, ironically enough. So now I'm just dealing with it until Thursday, when BFF gets back from Iceland. This is the last time I'm watching Stella for him, as much as I love the shit out of her.

In other news, Debbie Stoller made a book about crocheting, and I picked that up last night. We'll see. I've been sewing a lot lately, too, and I have a lot of handbag and jewelry ideas floating around in my head. I want a Print Gocco so I can start stenciling/screening clothes/bags whatever. I think I'm going to really start to beef up the site and maybe move it to a server that will let me sell. And then I can partner with cutxpaste. We'll see. Dr. G says I should probably start thinking about a Career as opposed to just staying comfortable in my Job.

Nothing much is going on in my life- especially nothing with the boys. Hoops beamed me this awesome program called Palmasutra last night. It's hilarious. We were all sitting in the bar whining about how there's no boys for us to make out with when Derek starts saying there's plenty and starts naming those Danger Boys. You know the ones. The ones you don't DARE touch because you can tell they like you more than you'll ever like them and if you even look at them too long they think you're in a relationship and start calling and Cling-on-ing and it just becomes this big heartwrenching mess and you come out the medusa-esque whore. Plus, I'm not attracted at all to any of those guys.

A friend posted a new comment about you at March 1, 2006 8:24AM PST

2006-03-03T09:48:00.000-05:00

Email #1:
Me to Flynn Mar 1.
Am I just a bitch? because this kind of annoyed me real bad.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: New MySpace Comment
Date: Mar 1, 2006 11:24 AM
Subject: A friend posted a new comment about you at March 1, 2006 8:24AM PST

Mikey has posted a new comment about you on MySpace!
Click the link below to read your comment: (I removed the link, but here's what he said)
Hello from Japan. I hope all is well in New York. I'll be back in California tomorrow night and I'd love to tell you all about the ways Japan rocked my world. lovepeacelove, Mikey

Email #2:
Flynn's response to me Mar 1.
Ex boyfriend trying to connect with you by learning the ways of your people? yeah, file that under "irritating."

You're so weird omg I just want to get married and make babies that's my only goal in life blah blah

2006-03-02T17:41:00.000-05:00

I realized today that the way people were when I was in high school is the way all people will always be.
Here's a story. So the jock/sporty/conservative/will-grow-up-to-be-frat-kids-then-hedgefunders-etc-and-their-wives (I know you know the type. They hang out in those bars on like 2nd and 3rd Ave around 53rd st etc.) kids in high school were always like, "you rock kids are so weird" blah blah but once they would take the time to get to know one of us, they'd realize we were cool. I remember Vicky don'tremeberherlastname and her friend Patty used to say, "we thought you were so weird because you had green nail polish and purple hair but then we realized you were just unique and didn't care what people think and we think it's so cool that you do your own thing and you're like the nicest person ever" blah blah. I'm sure you've heard that story before.
So anyway, Dave Cheeto Teeth comes to me today after X left and was like, "Your friend is so weird". I don't think he's that weird. Well, I mean, I know he's weird but what I think is weird about him Dave didn't get an opportunity to see in the 5 minutes he was here. So why does Dave say he's weird? Because he has a gruffy beard and giant boots and gold fronts and loves karaoke? Or is Dave just doing the "you rock kids are so weird" thing because X isn't conservative boring waspy dude? Makes me crazy.
The average person is so boring. OMG I just realized- the most judgemental people I know are also the most boring. They stay at home every night watching TV and the one night a week they do go out, they go to a popped collar waspy frat bar and get waaaaay too drunk to actually be able to enjoy what their doing. Life must suck when you're a tool like those dudes. And the only goal the girls have is to meet the "hottest" one to marry so he'll cheat on her while she's bloated and pregnant with his third kid but at least he'll be paying for her Frequent Tanner membership and sporty mini van. I'm so glad I'm not into that scene.

Guilty Feet Have Got No Rhythm

2006-03-01T11:47:00.000-05:00

It's Ash Wednesday today. I'm not Catholic. But I still feel compelled to get ashed. And to abstain from eating meat on Fridays. And to sacrifice something for Lent. Is it ridiculous that going to Catholic School all my life has sort of left this embedded in my brain? I know all of the prayers said during mass better than most "practicing Catholics". I know the stages of the cross. I know the Book of Revelation better than most people I know. I had a pretty decent and thorough Catholic training. So I feel guilty if I don't participate, but I've never even received any of the sacraments other than baptism. And I was baptized Lutheran- not Catholic. So for some strange reason, I feel I need to get ashed and not eat beef on my Mexican Pizza today. But this is the year of Do What You Want! so if I want beef on my pizza, I should eat beef on my pizza, right??

In other news, they karaokes are all going to Iceland tomorrow and I'm so jealous. I wish I was going with them. They're going to have such an amazing time.

How do I manage to constantly make an ass of myself?!

2006-02-28T23:18:00.000-05:00

So I'm trying to do a good thing tonight by deleting EtCMOB's email from my contact list. I am seriously prone to accidentally emailing the wrong people and various other retarded stuff like that, so I thought in an attempt to never accidentally bug him, I'd take him out of my list. I mean, I wouldn't put it past me to try to send Courson an email and accidentally sent it to EtCMOB instead. So I'm playing with the quick contacts list on gmail and somehow managed to accidentally send him a chat invite. I'm so embarrassed. Why does this shit happen to me all the time?!
I really suck at living sometimes!

O Sailor, Why'd You Do It?

2006-02-28T09:18:00.000-05:00

So why is it it's been like a month and now I'm getting sad about EtCMOB again? I'm making myself crazy trying to figure out where it went wrong (other than the crazy message). I mean, I thought things were going well. He left me MySpace comments and showed up for karaoke after we slept together. So I didn't anticipate him bailing. I didn't think I'd never hear from him again. The whole thing is lame. He seems like a cool and reasonable guy. So why did he never respond to anything? Why did he not say, "Hey asshole. Quit being crazy. I told you I didn't call because I was busy, not because I'm not interested"? Probably because he actually wasn't interested.
And why is no one interested? I mean, there's a few, sure. But they're not exactly my type. Maybe I have to take myself off some pedestal thinking that I deserve better. I'm not asking for much- I just want to hold out for someone who gives me butterflies. None of the boys paying attention to me flutter my nerves.
I still stand by my not wanting a boyfriend. But I do want to have a crush on someone and have it not go bad in just one month.

And You Can Use My Skin To Bury Secrets In

2006-02-26T01:23:00.000-05:00

Last night was amazing. Started with Kim, Flynn, Erik and I having a get ready pre party in my bedroom. We did the most fabulous make up and all looked amazing. We left here and got to Pianos pretty early. About 11:30. Everybody was piled in the exit hallway with all of the equipment, excited and energetic and happy. Kate and Matt looked amazing. While waiting, I looked down the hall and Damon walked in! I screamed and ran and gave him the biggest hug. I was so excited to see him, I almost cried! We all finally got in the live room and found everyone else. Hugs and kisses and tons of excitement. Everyone looked amazing. Chris started the ceremony and I've never seen him so nervous. He was babbling and having the hardest time getting started. But it was charming and adorable and heartwarming. They had a vow-off. Kate totally kicked Matt's ass. Shandi hit a rough spot for a moment and we stood just arms around each other while she let it all out. Damon got her a whole roll of TP. Then the party started and it was so much fun. The last song was Bohemian Rhapsody and everyone got up on stage. Sara made me go up- I didn't really feel right doing it, but I'm glad I was up there. Erik grabbed the cake and started feeding everyone. Damon took a huge handful and wiped my face with it. It got up my nose. I scraped it off my face and shoved it in his. Then the cake food fight started. By the end, the entire room was covered in chocolate frosting. But the cake was delicious. As the room was cleared out, I found Shandi, Sam and Timmy scarfing down the rest and grabbed a quarter for myself. We all got outside and I was dying for a bacon cheese burger. Kim, Flynn, Damon and I went to Odessa. The perfect end to an amazing night.

I'm so excited for Kate and Matt. And so happy for them. I love all of these friends so much, I think this tiny heart might explode.

I did notice that EtCMOB didn't show up. The concern that I have with this is that he didn't show up because he knew I'd be there. I don't want him to feel like he can't be somewhere because I'll be there. I'm assuming he was just busy, and not that I'm significant enough to be avoided. But it's a small concern in a back corner of my mind.

Be kind to me, or treat me mean.

2006-02-24T09:39:00.000-05:00

So last night I watched Sideways with Jasper. I've been not wanting to watch it because I think wine talk is so pretentious most of the time. But it was a good film. Jasper bailed at the last half hour to go play ping pong so I watched the rest by myself. Zach popped in and said to me, "You do realize that these 2 dudes are ALL GUYS. Every guy has both of these two characters in him." It made a lot of sense. It really just reconfirmed my not wanting a relationship ever again. (Note: not wanting a relationship doesn't mean I don't want to make out, but as history shows, boys aren't as good at being just make out pals as they claim to be. I've gotten into a lot of trouble with just making out and not wanting a relationship)

And speaking of Jasper, he's been kind of weird lately. He gets like this though. He urgently wants to hang out when he's trying to get clean. Then he avoids me like the plague when he's back into partying. As if not only am I not cool because I don't put that stuff up my nose, but he think I'm going to judge him. I'm not going to judge him. I know he does it and while I get concerned when he's doing it excessively (just because I want him to be healthy enough to last a long time), I don't think he's a bad person for it. I've seen him in pretty bad places and I still love him to death. I wish he could understand that.

I'm an Extraordinary Machine

2006-02-23T01:01:00.000-05:00

"If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine"

I'm finally listening to the new Fiona Apple. It's really good.

So in therapy today, my doctor made a point that I had never thought of before. If I was more openly and blindly supported as a kid- more encouraged rather than just pressured- I may have been more confident about pursuing fashion or some more creative line of work. I dropped my art minor in college because of my lacking self belief. I wouldn't now be so afraid to turn my hobbies that I love into something I would need to depend on for survival. I wouldn't be so worried about metering success in dollar signs.

I love my mom and I hate to have to tell her, "Thanks for suffocating me all my life. It's the reason I'm crazy and drive everyone away from me.". I'm a Kelly Clarkson song, I swear. "Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you I always play on the same side so I don't get hurt...". I don't take risks. I am the most open person I know, but it's all shallow. I never get so close to someone that I will get hurt when they leave. Even Michael- I was heartbroken for like a month. He dumped me in April, by May I had feelings for another guy. And we were supposed to have been so in love, we were going to get married. I have no problem telling anyone anything, but letting myself depend on someone else for anything- doesn't happen. I'm always the one that takes care of everyone else, but I don't let anyone take care of me. I don't get vulnerable to anyone. And I feel like I'm missing out on some real human experiences because of it.

In other news, my tattoo is peeling. This makes me nervous that it is fading already. But it looks beautiful.

And finally, I think I'm going on sabbatical again.

The World is Saved

2006-02-22T09:21:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to Stina Nordenstam again. I love her voice so much. And her songs are so enchanting. That's really the only word I can think of to describe them- enchanting.

Anyway, so when I designed this dress in my head, it was actually a two piece thing. And at the rate I'm going with my Motivation Half Life, I'm thinking I'll finish the skirt, but the top is iffy. I may end up wearing a black wife beater with the skirt. So far, the skirt is beautiful. I had this idea to put the tulle layer INSIDE the skirt to make it puff more. I wish I could better describe what I'm envisioning. Maybe after it's done I'll post a picture.

And here's some pictures of the tattoo finally:

And a final note: Art School Confidential opens in April.

just some notes

2006-02-21T12:31:00.000-05:00

I'm going to attempt to make my dress for the wedding for Friday.
I have this vision in my head. It's going to be amazing if I can pull it off. I think I can. I have to somehow get to the fabric shops before they close. It's going to be adapted from the Buddhist Monk robes. Matt asked me to be a Buddhist Monk in their ceremony.
I have to fix the bucket this week. That will take me all of 10 minutes.
I love karaoke and I love weddings so this Friday is going to be amazing.

(I wonder if EtCMOB will show up? haha)

You'd be mad, too, if I got you pregnant.

2006-02-19T18:05:00.001-05:00

So I finally did it. Got "inked". Haha. I think the fact that my brother got one before me has been making it more of a real desire for me than just something to consider. So when we were looking at Allen's last night and Flynn says, "Let's ditch the show and get tattoos instead", I was super gung ho about it. So I found Chiho Aoshima drawings that had cherry blossoms like I've been envisioning in my head for the last 10 years and took them to the guy and got it done. Finally.

I think my mom has been waiting for me to finally do it for about 10 years now. Everytime I see her, she asks if I have one yet. My brother got his whole arm done with this huge Japanese Yakuza style snake. At least mine is cute. Yes, not exactly hidden, but that's ok. Brette said it looks like a sticker on my wrist. Haha.

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up.

2006-02-18T16:36:00.000-05:00

When I was young, I was obsessed with the Silence of the Lambs. I totally wanted to be Clarice Starling. FBI agent- badass, detective, crime fighter. SUPERHERO. Those kinds of shows are still my favorites- 24, Law and Order, Buffy. Sometimes I still want to be a special agent for some subdivision of the FBI. Only, I know it's not nearly as thrilling and way more bureaucratic than it is on TV. I mean, come on. Duh. So really, I'd be filling out reports and paper work and not getting to run around bitch slapping the bad guys with the side of my handgun. And diffusing bombs even though I'm not on the bomb squad.
Kim, Flynn and I went to an art exhibit a few weeks ago that was amazing- it was about vampires and werewolves and other mythical "monsters" forming an army to protect the few remaining humans. There was a contest that went with it and we got to describe what kind of agent/SUPERHEROES we'd be. It was fun. And last night, Flynn and I saw Night Watchers- same kind of idea. "Others" (vampires, witches, etc) sort of policing each other.
Basically, I think I've got some pent up aggression for some reason and am feeling supremely violent these days. Maybe I should take a boxing class.

Secret, secret, I've got a secret!

2006-02-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

I'm so bad at keeping secrets! I've already told my 2 closest friends about this thing, which is fine because anything I'd say in here, I'd openly and comfortably talk to them about. But you know me- I can't keep secrets (of my own, anyway) so I'm like DYING on the inside to tell everyone about this thing.
But really, that's the fun of it.

I'll never tell!
(hear that as Brittany Murphey in Mothman Prophecies).

And for some reason, today I'm feeling a little Bay Area homesick.

I guess my work doesn't hate me after all

2006-02-16T22:51:00.000-05:00

I had my review today at work. It actually went better than I anticipated. I was expecting to be told I'm a huge slacker and that I totally suck and goof off too much. I was told that, but I was also told that a lot of what I do is fantastic and that I am still an asset to the company. I got a 5% raise (which is way better than Dale ever gave me). So I think I'll start my 401k with the difference. It's miniscule, but I can't really afford much more than that for now. I can always increase it later.
I'm feeling much calmer about everything in general today. I was excited to come home and clean the apartment and work on some jewelry and knitting and sewing. Of course it's almost 11 and I haven't started on anything because I decided to clean up some of the clutter in my room instead and play around on the internet, but I still feel like I accomplished quite a bit tonight. There's still time to make a new pair of earrings. The amazing girl that Erik is dating now is a jewelry designer and some of her stuff really looks like the style of some of what I've made. It's so inspiring to see that she's made a business of it. I finally brought the Dreamweaver disc home from work, so I'm going to install that and start working on my site. I'm finally feeling motivated to do this stuff. I think I'm going to disappear from the city for a while to buckle down and do some work. I'll still be at karaoke every Monday, and dancing on Thursdays and the first Tuesday of every month, but I don't have to be out every night like I have been for the last few months.
Some notes on the topic of Eric the Cute Make Out Boy (my current topic that I seem to be unable to let go of)- I talked to Zach about what I did and he was shocked because it was so out of character. But he made me feel better about it all. I mean, everyone has been saying the same things that Zach said, pretty much, but just the way he phrased it helped it to sink in. I think I can let it go now. Thanks for your wisdom, Zach.
Sarah and John have been fighting like mad. They never used to fight in front of me- she'd just tell me about it after. But the last 2 times I've been home with them, they're intensely arguing with each other. I mean, INTENSE. It really makes me sooooo much more glad than ever to be single. Not that I've ever been much of a fighter- my relationships were always pretty mellow. Never really bickered that much. With Mikey, yeah we fought towards the end. But it was always more like there was tension because he wanted out and it just sparked arguments here and there.

Can you take me high enough?

2006-02-16T09:11:00.000-05:00

Don't say goodnight. Say you're gonna stay forever...
All the way! All the way!

Damn Yankees stuck in my head. It's such a great song.

But I still stand by my previous committment: If any guy ever sang "To Be With You" to me, I'd marry him on the spot.

I love Monster Ballads. I especially love Monster Ballad Monday.

Total Eclipse of my Brain

2006-02-16T00:28:00.000-05:00

I have a myspace page and I often make entries in the blog on there, but they're mostly just those interview-like list things. I filled one out yesterday and thought my answer to "Do you really know all of the words to your national anthem?" was just so terribly clever. I said, "Yes, I know all of the words to Total Eclipse of the Heart." Flynn thought it was clever enough to copy, even. You see, BFF is the host of the most amazing karaoke show ever, which also happens to be THE MOST amazing weekly party in NYC. And the anthem for his party is TEotH. Flynn and I love to sing it, but BFF and his cohost matt usually do it. So on special occassions, Flynn and I steal it. We did it this Monday and it felt so good to belt that shit out again. It's been a while. I'm secretly hoping that they'll let us sing it for the Friday night special party next weekend.
I listened to it on my way home tonight and got all tingly over it. I adore that song so much! And of course I belted it out to Hoyt Ave while walking home from the subway... but after it on my karaoke mix on Arthur came Heart's "Alone". This song is so true to my LIFE. "Til now, I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you". So, Michael, until you, I was totally content being alone. But since you, I often feel lonely and want a companion (or at least a make out buddy). Not that I want Michael back- I actually find him sort of over bearing and obnoxious now and wouldn't want to date someone with such a pushy personality. But the sentiment of that part of the chorus still applies. He's still changed me forever. I guess that it was a good change, so I thank him for that much.
But when I sit back and think about it, I have the most amazing friends and I'm happy with my life as it is. I'm never actually lonely. I always have someone I can call to meet me for a meal or a movie or a game of pinball. So I don't really ever feel lonely. Probably more just horny. hee hee.

I think I'm addicted to talking about me

2006-02-15T09:23:00.000-05:00

It seems like everytime I start a blog, I go bananas and post like a maniac and ignore all of the things going on in the world that are interesting and only talk about my small self. I mean, our Vice President shot someone and all I want to discuss on this thing is how I can't get a date and when I do find someone to date, I ruin it because I'm crazy. So just to clarify, I'm a narcissist and addicted to blogging. But that's just the way it's going to be. Hell, if you want to read about things going on in the world, there's a google news link to the right.

narcissism
Main Entry: nar·cis·sism
Pronunciation: 'när-s&-"si-z&m
Function: noun
Etymology: German Narzissismus, from Narziss Narcissus, from Latin Narcissus
1 : EGOISM, EGOCENTRISM
2 : love of or sexual desire for one's own body-
nar·cis·sist /'när-s&-sist/ noun or adjective- nar·cis·sis·tic /"när-s&-'sis-tik/ adjective

egocentric
Main Entry: ego·cen·tric
Pronunciation: "E-gO-'sen-trik also "e-
Function: adjective
1 : concerned with the individual rather than society
2 : taking the ego as the starting point in philosophy
3 a : limited in outlook or concern to one's own activities or needs b : SELF-CENTERED, SELFISH

addict
Main Entry:
ad·dict
Pronunciation: &-'dikt
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Latin addictus, past participle of addicere to favor, from ad- + dicere to say -- more at DICTION
1 : to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively
2 : to cause addiction to a substance in

So I'm not trying to justify it at all. Just saying, this is how it is.

and since it is Valentine's Day...

2006-02-14T23:54:00.000-05:00

I did get the sweetest card in the mail today. I almost cried. I miss Damon so much. He's one of the best people I've ever known in the world and I am so grateful that he is my friend.

so it begins

2006-02-14T23:32:00.000-05:00

I had a tarot reading for the first time in my life last week. She said my new year didn't actually start in January. That it was starting now. Then this week, I had a breakthrough moment with my therapist: I don't have to justify my every move and ever decision to everyone all the time. This notion hit me like a ton of bricks.

Last week, I totally blew it with Eric the Cute Fun Make Out Boy. Basically, I'm insane. I think if I had this blog already, I would have avoided sending that fateful message. I could have just written it here instead. I think that after last year's Dumping by Michael, I just don't want to make myself vulnerable to anyone. I've been avoiding boys altogether since. But I finally give in and start hanging out with this guy. And then, naturally, I drove this totally great guy away. Not that I was at all worried this would turn into a boyfriend thing, but I guess I can't even handle dating? It really sucks and I'm really disappointed in myself for it. He wasn't calling me and kind of blowing me off, so guess I felt I had to brutally kill it before my ego got bruised. I guess. Lesson learned: chill out. And stop letting everyone else's nagging get to me. (FYI this is NOT me trying to justify what I did- this is just me explaining it, mostly to myself)

I almost got BFF to take me out to dinner tonight. I was so funny and charming, but he already had plans. Oh well. I'm honestly over being infatuated with him. I adore the guts out of him, but I don't get all heartbroken over him anymore and have no romantic attraction to him at all. He's a great friend to have and I'm glad we're BFF. And thank GOD he trimmed the beard. The beard is hot, just not when it's all Grizzly.

I really do want to find someone to make out with. I don't want a boyfriend- I hate boys. They're dumb. But I can't help adoring them!